


The Avengers Play Cards Against Humanity

by kierandell1409



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:13:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21608863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kierandell1409/pseuds/kierandell1409
Summary: Tony Stark gathers the team together for one reason: to play Cards Against Humanity.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	1. Round 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, what’s up? It’s time for a new fic. And what I have today is inspired by RexHeller’s fanfic Cards Against Remnant, which has Teams RWBY and JNPR from RWBY playing Cards Against Humanity. My original plan for this fic was to get a bunch of random characters who’d make jokes worse than whatever the cards come up with, but I couldn’t think of a cast good enough for it, so I decided to simplify it by having The Avengers play it. Specifically, it’s the original six from the film (Tony, Bruce, Thor, Steve, Natasha, and Clint). All the cards have been picked at random, so it should more reflective of a real game where some rounds suck. Before we go any further, if you’re not familiar with Cards Against Humanity, this game is practically purpose designed to offend people, so if anything offends you, just leave now. Also, I have no idea how long this fic will be, since I’ve decided they’ll be playing until one of them gets ten points, which means anywhere between two and ten rounds. Well, guess we better get into this then, shall we?

In a meeting room in the New Avengers Facility, five Avengers sit around a meeting table. “Where the hell is Tony?” asked Clint, growing more impatient with the missing member.  
“Language!” said Steve, snapping at Clint across the table.  
“Hell is not a swear word, it’s in the Bible,” said Clint.  
“Calm down guys, I’m sure Tony has a perfectly good reason for calling us together,” said Natasha.  
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” said Bruce. “I mean, this is Tony we’re talking about. If he feels like doing something, it’ll happen. And he has the money to ensure it happens.”  
“Look, he’s probably just been held up doing something,” said Natasha. “Surely he wouldn’t use his high-tech facility for something trivial.”  
“Does anyone else hear loud rock music approaching?” asked Thor, as the other fell quiet. Sure enough, the unmistakable sound of AC/DC’s ‘Thunderstruck’ could be heard, as Iron Man flew past the window. Iron Man soared up, and timed his descent so that he hit the ground just as the singer yelled “THUNDERSTRUCK!” The song continued as the armour started removing itself from its owner, revealing one of the richest men in the world.  
“Nailed it!” cheered Tony as he entered the room. “I have been practicing that approach for a week now, trying to get the timing right, and that was perfect.”  
“You didn’t summon us here for something that trivial, did you?” groaned Natasha.  
“I told you he would,” muttered Bruce just loud enough so that she could hear him.  
“No, of course not,” said Tony, making Bruce look up as though expecting something important. “I summoned you here for something far more trivial.”  
“Of fucking course,” said Bruce, putting his head in his hand. “Tony, you can’t just call us here for no good reason.”  
“And yet, you all came anyway, so apparently I can,” said Tony, taking his seat.  
“This oughta be good,” said Clint, leaning back in his chair. “So, what did you call us here for?”  
“Mostly for my amusement,” said Tony, tapping at a screen in front of him.  
“Well in that case, I think I’ll be go…” started Natasha.  
“Oh no you don’t Widow,” said Tony. “JARVIS, lock the doors.”  
“As you wish sir,” said the computerised voice of JARVIS. “Though I will ask you to reconsider, as my data shows that everyone else in that room is quite capable of causing severe injury to you without assistance from the others.”  
“Noted and ignored,” said Tony. “Now, show them what I have planned.”  
“As you wish sir,” said JARVIS, as the screens in front of the other five people in the room lit up.

“Tony, what is this about?” asked Steve. “And did it really need to be done in a high-tech facility like this?”  
“It didn’t have to be here, no. We just had all this stuff here not being used, so I figured ‘eh, what the hell?’” said Tony. “As for your other question, we’re gonna play a little game.”  
“A game?” asked Clint. “I live in fucking Missouri. I came all this way to play a fucking game?”  
“I am the ruler of Asgard,” said Thor. “And you call me here for a game?”  
“That’s basically what I said,” muttered Clint.  
“Guys, I promise you, this will be fun,” said Tony. “Especially since I can guarantee it’ll probably make Steve very uncomfortable.”  
“Okay, now I’m starting to see the appeal,” said Natasha. “What’s the game?”  
“A little game called Cards Against Humanity,” said Tony. As he said it, Tony looked at each face in turn to check their reactions. Natasha and Clint looked at each other and nodded, smirking at each other knowingly; Bruce looked as though he’d heard of it but didn’t know anything about it; Thor just looked confused; and Steve looked concerned. “Yeah, that’s pretty much the reactions I was expecting from each of you.”  
“Okay, what is the game about before I agree to it?” asked Steve.  
“Well, first of all, by sitting in this room, you’ve already agreed to play,” said Tony.  
“I don’t think…” started Steve, but Tony ignored him.  
“And second, it’s about making people laugh,” said Tony.  
“Oh…” said Steve. “Well that doesn’t sound so…”  
“By using some of the most offensive words known to man,” said Tony.  
“Pfft, we have far more offensive words on Asgard,” bragged Thor.  
Steve just looked at Tony and sighed. “I don’t agree to this,” he said. “But I’m guessing we won’t have a choice in the matter, will we?”  
“Now you’re getting it,” said Tony. “JARVIS, deal our hands.” As Tony said this, squares of light began appearing on their screens, each with a little bit of text. “I’ve uploaded the entire list of every card in existence into a database, and they’ll all be randomly assigned to us as the game goes on.”  
“And how many cards is that exactly?” asked Bruce.  
“About twenty six thousand-ish,” said Tony. “Which is why we’re using the screens. Less strain on the table. Now, for those you who don’t know the game, what happens is someone asks a question, and you fill in the blank with one of those cards in front of you. The answer that the question asker finds funniest wins. We’ll be going first to ten points. Any questions?”  
“Yeah,” said Steve, looking at his cards. “I was led to believe I’d be offended by this, but none of these are particularly bad.”

“We’ll get there, don’t worry buddy,” said Tony. “Alright, if there are no objections, I’ll be the game’s first Card Czar. JARVIS, if you will.” A black card appeared on Tony’s screen, and he immediately starting laughing to himself. “Steve, you’re going to regret your comment now. The first question is: There’s more concrete proof that____ exists than the Holocaust.”  
“Okay, now I see the problem here,” said Steve, looking through his cards for a good answer.  
About a minute later, all the answers were in. “Alright, let’s see what you’ve got for me,” said Tony. “There’s more concrete proof that embryo popsicles exists than the Holocaust.”  
“Jesus Christ,” said Steve, looking slightly horrified, bringing a smile to Tony’s face.  
“…that flying sex snakes exists than the Holocaust,” continued Tony. “I could probably find a way to make those, you know.”  
“Please don’t,” said Bruce. “I’ve seen what fucking around with science can do.”  
“Doesn’t mean I’m not gonna do it,” said Tony. “Anyway… that gender-neutral bathrooms exists than the Holocaust, … that Karl Rove’s seventh chin exists than the Holocaust, and finally, … that tequila flavoured man juice exists than the Holocaust.”  
“What the hell were the people who made this on?” asked Steve.  
“Probably drugs,” said Tony, matter-of-factly. “Anyway, I think I’ll go with…embryo popsicles.”  
“HAHA, take that mortals,” said Thor, surprising everyone with his sudden loud outburst.  
“Congratulations Point Break, you win the first point,” said Tony, awarding it to the thunder god. “Okay, I believe we go clockwise from this point, so Bruce, you’re up.”

“God damn it,” said Bruce, looking at the black card to appear on his screen. “You see, son, baseball is like ______. Don't overthink it.”  
“Holy crap,” said Steve. “I just saw the card that replaced the one I played, and…what the hell Tony?”  
“I can’t wait until you’re forced to play whatever it is,” said Tony, selecting his card.  
Soon, Bruce had five white cards on his screen. “I dread reading what I’m about to read,” he said, before taking a deep breath. “But here goes.” He looked up at the screen and began reading. “You see, son, baseball is like cleaning your boots with boiled hotdog water. Don't overthink it.”  
“Why would you do that?” asked Steve. “I’m sure there’s better ways of cleaning your boots.”  
“On the plus side, they’ll smell delicious,” said Thor.  
“That is NOT the point here,” said Steve.  
“Anyway,” said Bruce. “The next one is ‘You see, son, baseball is like NASA-level baby monitoring technology. Don't overthink it.’”  
“You’re right, I don’t want to overthink that,” said Natasha.  
“You see, son, baseball is like a sausage festival. Don't overthink it,” continued Bruce. “I guess it is a male dominated sport.”  
“Doesn’t it mean…” started Steve, as his face lit up. “Oh, that’s what you’re talking about.”  
“Yeah, that,” said Bruce, before continuing to read out the cards. “You see, son, baseball is like a soggy bowl of corn flakes. Don't overthink it.”  
“You know, this game hasn’t been half as offensive as I thought it’d be,” said Tony.  
“You see, son, baseball is like using tears as lubricant. Don't overthink it,” said Bruce.  
“Ah, there it is,” said Tony.  
“Why would you use tears when you can use WD40?” asked Steve.  
“Ah, Steve?” said Natasha, before whispering in his ear about what the tears would be lubricating.  
“…oh…” was all Steve could manage.  
“Anyway, because I’d rather not think about it, tears as lubricant wins,” said Bruce.  
“Thank you,” said Tony, happily accepting his point. “Goldilocks, you’re up.”

“Okay, my one is…” started Thor, before stopping and reading. “Well this is bullshit.”  
“Okay, now you have to read it out,” said Tony.  
“Fuck you Stark,” said Thor, before sighing and reading the question. “_____. The reason I cry myself to sleep at night.” Tony burst out laughing at this, earning himself a glare from Thor.  
“Sorry, but that couldn’t have come up at a better time,” said Tony.  
“I hate you,” grumbled Thor, sitting back in his chair.  
Steve began looking through his cards, when he suddenly saw what his new one was. “Oh sweet Jesus,” he said, before looking up at the sky. “Lord forgive me for what I’m about to do.” Tony smirked at him as he pressed the button on his screen. “Shut up Tony.”  
“Haven’t even said anything buddy,” grinned Tony as he selected a card.  
Soon, all five cards were in, much to Thor’s disapproval. “Let’s just get this over with,” he said, reading the first card. “Growing up and becoming a Republican. The reason I cry myself to sleep at night.”  
“Hey, come on, there is nothing wrong with that,” said Tony. “Okay, granted, Trump is an asshole, which I can say from personal experience, but otherwise it’s fine.”  
“You just like tax cuts, don’t you Tony?” asked Clint.  
“That is…only part true,” said Tony.  
“If I may continue,” said Thor in a voice that didn’t leave any room for arguing. “An itchy nipple. The reason I cry myself to sleep at night.” Thor paused before reading the next one. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding.”  
“Read it,” said Tony, who seemed to be getting some kind of sick pleasure out of this.  
Thor sighed in resignation. “I could destroy this building and everyone in it, but then I probably wouldn’t be worthy anymore,” he said under his breath, before reading the next answer. “Masturbating Yoda's leathery turtle-penis. The reason I cry myself to sleep at night.” At this, Tony burst out laughing again. Thor glared at him, before holding his hand out. The sounds of windows smashing was heard, and then Mjolnir appeared behind Tony. However, just as the hammer was passing the billionaire, Thor lowered his hand, causing the hammer to drop too, knocking him over.  
“Worth it,” said Tony, still face down in the table. “Guessing that was Steve’s card.”  
“Screw you Stark,” said Steve from across the table.  
“Anyway…” said Thor, clearly wanting to get this over with. “The nightmare of 2 under 2. The reason I cry myself to sleep at night.”  
“Take it from the only father in the room, you will not sleep when you have that,” said Clint.  
“And finally,” said Thor, relieved there was only one left. “Your asshole inner voice. The reason I cry myself to sleep at night.” Thor thought about this for a moment before replying. “I think I’m going to give this one to the itchy nipple.”  
“I’ll take that,” said Natasha, accepting the point.  
“Come on, you found THAT the funniest?” asked Tony.  
“No,” said Thor. “But I knew it wouldn’t be YOUR card.”  
“Good call,” said Tony. “Okay Cap, you’re up.”

“I fear whatever is about to happen,” said Steve, looking at his screen, before sighing with relief. “The solution to our economic troubles? Thank God, how can this go badly?”  
“Challenge accepted,” said Tony, selecting his card.  
“Oh Christ,” said Steve. “That was the wrong thing to say, wasn’t it?”  
“Absolutely,” said Natasha, selecting her answer.  
“If you hadn’t said anything, we wouldn’t be doing this,” said Clint, his answer selected too.  
“Sorry Steve,” said Bruce, also submitting his answer.  
“I have no idea who this is, so I’m playing it,” said Thor, playing his card.  
“Okay, let’s see what I’m in for,” said Steve. “Beef curtains are the answer to our economic problems. I didn’t even know what that means.”  
“It’s a vulgar way of saying vulva,” said Natasha, clearly not amused by the answer.  
“What’s vulgar about a type of car?” asked Steve.  
“No Steve,” said Natasha, before whispering an explanation in his ear.  
“Oh…” said Steve, looking slightly uncomfortable. “Moving on. Crazy wild party girls could solve the economy apparently.”  
“Possibly using their beef curtains,” suggested Tony, earning him a glare from Natasha.  
“The Life of Robert Johnson: The Illustrated Children’s Book could save the economy,” continued Steve.  
“Didn’t he sell his soul to the devil?” asked Bruce.  
“Sounds like something Johnny Blaze might know,” said Clint.  
“We’ll ask him later,” said Steve. “For now, we should wonder if the magical gold-weaving spider that creates Donald Trump's hair every night can save the economy.”  
“Obviously not, otherwise the economy wouldn’t need saving in the first place,” said Tony.  
“Perhaps if we caught it and forced it to creates more gold for us that would help?” asked Thor.  
“Wouldn’t that just devalue the price of gold?” asked Clint.  
“Yes, but you’d have a lot of it,” said Thor.  
“Remind me never to hire you as a financial adviser,” said Steve. “Now, the last suggestion for saving the economy is pimping on the side, to save for college. I guess that makes sense.”  
“Again, beef curtains are helping the economy,” said Tony.  
“Okay, beef curtains doesn’t win, since I’m pretty sure that’s Tony’s card,” said Steve. Tony stuck out his tongue at Steve, who ignored him. “You know what, I don’t agree with it, but pimping on the side for college sounds like a good way to help the economy. I’ll give it to that one.”  
“Thank you,” said Bruce, receiving his point.  
“You know you’re looking for the funniest answer, not the most logical, right?” asked Tony.  
“Eh, close enough,” said Steve.

“Okay Widow, you’re up,” said Tony, a black card appearing on her screen.  
“Darn right I'm running for President and I'm taking _________ with me,” said Natasha.  
“Okay, and what’s your black card say?” asked Tony. “Oh, wait, you’re not American.”  
“And I’m not thirty five,” said Natasha.  
“I suppose there’s that too,” said Tony. Natasha glared at him again.  
Soon, all five answers were in front of her. “Darn right I'm running for President and I'm taking Beyoncé’s Superbowl performance with me. I think I’d rather just take Beyoncé, but why not?”  
“At least you’ll have the single lady vote,” said Clint.  
“I suppose so,” said Natasha, reading the next card. “Darn right I'm running for President and I'm taking a cute, little old Asian lady trying to fight a lobster with me. Maybe we can bring her into the Avengers?”  
“I don’t know if Shang-Chi’s grandmother will be interested in joining us,” said Bruce.  
“Probably not,” said Natasha before continuing. “Darn right I'm running for President and I'm taking a distinct lack of morals with me. Isn’t that a prerequisite?”  
“If so, then how the hell did Obama get in?” asked Tony. “Or was it just a race thing?”  
“It was a race thing,” said Natasha, looking at the next card. “Darn right I'm running for President and I'm taking the perceived intellectual superiority of a Wellingtonian with me. I guess Jacinda Ardern is pretty smart, she’d probably make a good running partner.”  
“Except…she’s from Hamilton,” said Clint. “Sorry, you’ll have to pick someone else.”  
“I’m sure I can have some paperwork forged for her,” said Natasha, looking at the final card on the screen. “Darn right I'm running for President and I'm taking watermelon with me. Why is fruit my running partner?”  
“Perhaps people will see this as you wishing to feed the masses?” suggested Thor.  
“Perhaps,” said Natasha, considering the possibilities. “I’m still taking Jacinda Ardern as my partner.”  
“Thank you,” said Clint, taking his point.  
“Again, we’re looking for funny answers, not what you’d actually do,” said Tony.

“You seem to think we care,” said Clint, as the black card he had to ask appeared onscreen. Before he had a chance to ask it, Steve glared angrily at his new white card.  
“Okay, seriously, fuck my new card,” said Steve.  
“Ooh, language captain,” said Tony mockingly.  
“I hate you,” said Steve.  
“I look forward to whatever it is,” said Clint. “For now though, your question is: Mrs. Robinson, you want me to provide ______ and ______ for this affair? You have to pick two for this one.”  
“Fun,” said Tony, looking at his screen. “Let’s see what we’ve got here.”  
The five answering Avengers took their time, but eventually put their answers in. “Lord forgive me for what I answered with,” said Steve, looking up at the sky.  
“I can’t wait,” said Tony, waiting in anticipation.  
“Not gonna lie, I can’t wait either,” said Clint. “Sorry Steve.”  
“Traitor,” Steve mumbled under his breath.  
“Okay, our first answer is…” started Clint, looking over what the others had said. “Mrs. Robinson, you want me to provide the American way and having a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you for this affair?”  
“I guess Liam Neeson is pretty American,” said Steve. “We should recruit him to the Avengers.”  
“No, we’re not recruiting actors for the team,” said Tony. “I’ve had enough of actors being in places they shouldn’t be after the whole Mandarin thing.”  
“Yeah, if we’re going to recruit an actor, it should be Keanu Reeves. All we need to give him is a pencil,” said Clint, earning him a look from Tony. “Anyway, the next answer is… Mrs. Robinson, you want me to provide a fudge packer and a courtesy lick for this affair?”  
“I don’t get it,” said Steve. “Why would you want someone who puts fudge in its packaging to lick your food before you…”  
“That’s not even close to what it is,” said Clint. “Nat, would you mind giving Steve another lesson in…you know.”  
“Alright Steve, give me your ear,” said Natasha, as Steve leaned over. About five seconds later, Steve went from a curious look to slightly horrified.  
“Okay, what the fuck?” asked Steve.  
“Wow Captain, you kiss your mother with that mouth?” taunted Tony, which Steve didn’t take too kindly to.  
“Alright, next answer,” said Clint. “Mrs. Robinson, you want me to provide a huge rabbi with the world's biggest cock and that thing in Ted Cruz's mouth for this affair?”  
“I’m assuming the thing in Ted Cruz’s mouth is the giant rabbi’s cock?” asked Bruce.  
“Huh, and I thought he was homophobic,” said Clint. “Okay, next up we have: Mrs. Robinson, you want me to provide my junk and twisting my cock and balls into a balloon poodle for this affair?”  
“Calling it now, that’s what Steve asked God for forgiveness about,” said Tony.  
“Quite likely,” said Clint. “And now, for the final answer: Mrs. Robinson, you want me to provide pseudointellectual centrist bullshit and that not-so-fresh feeling for this affair?”  
“Honestly, whenever I hear pseudointellectual centrist bullshit, I don’t feel so fresh anyway,” said Tony. “But that’s enough about me, let’s wrap this round up. Who wins Clint?”  
“I do like the idea of Ted Cruz sucking a rabbi’s dick,” said Clint. “Because honestly, fuck that guy. I’m giving it to that.”  
“An excellent choice,” said Natasha, accepting her point.  
“Alright, round one over,” said Tony. “So, Nat’s leading with two points, everyone except Steve is in second with one point, which leaves Steve in…”  
“Honestly, if this is the sort of game it is, I don’t want to win,” said Steve.  
“Oh well, more points for us,” said Thor, preparing for the next round.


	2. Round 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The game continues...

“Okay, is everyone ready?” asked Tony, then answering his own question before they could respond. “Of course you are, the system always automatically fills your hand. Okay, let’s see what the next question is.” Tony read the new card, and smiled a little bit. “What's the next Happy Meal® toy?”  
“This won’t end well,” said Steve, selecting his card.  
Soon, all the cards were in, and Tony was looking at them happily. “Okay, what have you got for me,” he said, looking at the first card. “The next Happy Meal® toy is…Canadian Netflix.”  
“Yeah, they replace the interdimensional beings in Stranger Things with a really pissed off moose,” said Clint. “And Eleven’s actually a bear.”  
“And the kids are actually a hockey team, right?” asked Tony. “Okay, next Happy Meal® toy is… carpet bombing ISIS.”  
“Eh, they had it coming,” said Natasha.  
“I don’t get it, what did an Egyptian goddess do to deserve that?” asked Thor.  
“Not that one buddy,” said Tony, looking at the next card. “Next card is…okay, who did that?”  
“Read it,” said Bruce.  
“A crusty sock that oddly smells like mashed potatoes,” said Tony.  
“Why are people storing mashed potatoes in a sock?” asked Steve. “Or is this one of those sex things I don’t understand?”  
“It’s a sex thing,” said Natasha. “Do you want me to explain it, or…”  
“I’m starting to think it’s better to stay ignorant about this stuff,” said Steve, settling in his seat.  
“Okay, next potential toy is…hip hop jewels,” said Tony. “You know those are actually called bling, right?”  
“You are hardly black enough to be allowed to say that,” said Clint. “Though I’m guessing that if you opened a McDonald’s, that would be the toy with the meal.”  
“…I mean, I could probably afford it,” said Tony. “Okay, last one is… Judge Judy. Yeah, I’m sure kids will love a small claims judge as a toy.”  
“She can make rulings when the kids are fighting over their toys,” said Natasha.  
“As a father, I approve of this idea,” said Clint.  
“But as a horrible human being, I’m giving kids the crusty sock,” said Tony.  
“HA! I have my second point,” said Thor. “From you, no less Stark.”

“Okay, maybe I should give it to…” started Tony.  
“Too late, no take-backsies,” said Bruce, leaning over and awarding Thor his point. “Okay, my turn.” Bruce looked at his screen, and smiled widely. “Oh man, this one’s so appropriate for us. Your question is: I think they are running out of superheroes now that they've introduced the Human ______.”  
“Okay, let’s see who our new Avenger is,” said Steve, looking for a card to play.  
Soon, Bruce had all his answers in. “Okay, who is our next Avengers?” he asked. “Is it…a Puerto Rican Minotaur from the Bronx Man?”  
“He sounds like someone I should have met by now if he were Avenger worthy,” said Thor.  
“How about Rehab Man?” asked Bruce.  
“Did Amy Winehouse get a sex change?” asked Tony.  
“Jesus Christ Tony, she’s dead,” said Bruce. “Anyway, we also have Spouting Off Man.”  
“I think you mean Tony,” said Clint.  
“I’ll take that as a compliment,” said Tony.  
“It’s not. It really isn’t,” said Bruce. “Anyway, next up we have A Tiny Horse Man.”  
“Arch Nemesis to the Puerto Rican Minotaur?” asked Steve.  
“I think the Puerto Rican Minotaur would crush the Tiny Horse Man,” said Bruce. “Anyway, our last suggestion is UNICEF Losers Man. Those poor kids.”  
“Yeah, I know. They’re not even getting money from a good charity,” said Tony. “But anyway Bruce, who’s your winner?”  
“Honestly?” said Bruce. “I really like the idea of a Puerto Rican minotaur as a superhero. I’m giving it to that.”  
“Thank you,” said Tony, getting his second point of the game. “High Voltage, you’re up.”

“Okay mortals, what keeps me up at night?” asked Thor. “Seriously? First I’m crying myself to sleep, now I’m kept up all night. Will this game make up its mind?”  
“Luck of the draw, buddy,” said Tony, looking for a good card to pick.  
Soon, the answers were in, and Thor began to read them. “Okay, 48 hour labour keeps me up at night,” he said.  
“Ouch, that would,” said Clint.  
“It’s times like this I’m glad I can’t have kids,” said Natasha.  
“Next up, we have a big hot fire that's burning everybody,” said Thor. “Who let Surtur out so he could do that?”  
“You?” asked Bruce.  
“…shut up,” said Thor. “Next, we have a piñata full of scorpions. Now THAT sounds like fun.”  
“For the scorpions maybe,” said Bruce. “For the guy who breaks it, not so much.”  
“Post-sex funk keeps me up at night,” said Thor. “Hell yeah it does.”  
“Please spare us the thought of you procreating,” said Natasha.  
“And finally, robots with human faces keep me up at night,” said Thor. “Ultron was pretty horrifying.”  
“I think Vision might take offence to that comment,” said Tony. “But anyway, what’s your choice?”  
“Hmm…” thought Thor out loud. “I think I like the piñata full of scorpions is the most horrifying. And also something Loki might do to me.”  
“Wait, I actually got a point?” asked Steve. “Wow, thanks.”  
“My pleasure, Captain Rogers,” said Thor. “Now, what’s your question for us?”

Steve read the card, and immediately began laughing. “Those of us here against our will, we’re about to get revenge,” he said with a wicked grin. “My question is: Tony was enjoying ______ with his intern when the office door opened and his boss came in.”  
“Joke’s on you Cap, my name’s on the building,” said Tony. “Therefore I am the…”  
“Pepper,” said Clint, causing Tony to immediately shut up and gulp in concern.  
Steve could hardly contain his excitement as each of the others put in their answers. “This is going to be great,” he said. “Okay, first up we have this: Tony was enjoying being up and coming with his intern when the office door opened and his boss came in. Pretty sure he’s already at the top of his field, but…”  
“No Steve,” said Natasha. “I think they mean he was…”  
“It’s a sex thing, isn’t it?” asked Steve. Natasha just nodded in response. “Okay, moving on. Tony was enjoying a Donald Trump pussy grab with his intern when the office door opened and his boss came in.”  
“Yep, there it is,” said Tony. “The first one wasn’t so bad, but I knew someone would have something bad.”  
“I’ve got three more answers Tony,” said Steve. “And I’m guessing this Facebook friend-purging answer was you trying to make yourself look not so bad.”  
“…I mean, Pepper’s more likely to catch me doing that than the other things,” said Tony.  
“Okay, next up we have…” started Steve, before reading and bursting out laughing. The others stared at him as he tried to compose himself, but Steve was struggling. “Jesus Christ, I haven’t seen the last one, but I think this one might be a winner.”  
“Well now you HAVE to read it,” said Bruce.  
“I’ll try,” said Steve, wiping away a tear. “Tony was enjoying a mi *snorts* micropenis so small, it forced the *laughs* Planck length to be redefined by several orders of magnitude with his intern *uncontrollable giggling* when the office door opened and his boss came in.” Steve managed to get the whole thing out before eventually cracking and bursting out laughing again. Followed by the other four Avengers. Tony just glared at all of them, middle fingers up.  
“Holy crap,” wheezed Natasha, trying to settle down. “I think Scott had to shrink between the atoms to find it.”  
“I don’t care if I lose this round, that one was brilliant,” said Clint.  
“Still, I suppose I should read the last one, just in case it’s better,” said Steve, finally settling down. “Let’s see…roofying her just for some god damn peace and quiet? Yeah, no, micropenis wins.”  
“I knew it,” said Thor, accepting his point.  
“Wait a minute, isn’t Parker Stark’s intern? Or is the Spider-Man not as much of a man as we thought?” asked Clint, bringing on another round of laughter.  
“Everything bad about today just went away,” said Bruce.  
“Fuck all of you,” said Tony, clearly unhappy about the last round.

“Okay, enough about Tony’s micropenis,” said Natasha. “We have a game to play, and it’s my turn.” Natasha read her card, then frowned. “Huh, okay, I’m assuming this is supposed to be a reference to something, but I have no idea what.”  
“Read it out, maybe one of us knows,” said Bruce.  
“Okay, try this,” said Natasha. “What the hell?! They added a 6/6 with flying, trample and ______.” Natasha looked around, and was met with only blank stares until Clint suddenly seemed to remember something.  
“I think it’s a Magic: The Gathering thing,” he said. “My kids have been playing it a bit lately, and I’ve sort of picked up some of the lingo.”  
“Okay,” said Natasha. “Well, feel free to use this as a ‘get rid of your crap card’ round.” A couple of minutes later, all the answers were in. “Well, not expecting much from this, but here goes. ‘What the hell?! They added a 6/6 with flying, trample and brawling in French.’”  
“And here I was thinking they were cheese eating surrender monkeys,” said Tony.  
“What the hell?! They added a 6/6 with flying, trample and a murder in the making,” said Natasha. “What the hell?! They added a 6/6 with flying, trample and one thousand Slim Jims.”  
“At least it brings snacks,” said Steve.  
“What the hell?! They added a 6/6 with flying, trample and a sprinkle of the finest crystal meth on the eyeballs,” continued Natasha. “Honestly, I think we’re all gonna need that after this game.”  
“Really Romanoff? You hate my company that much?” asked Tony.  
“No, but some of these cards, I think I need something to make me forget it,” said Natasha. “Now, the final one is ‘What the hell?! They added a 6/6 with flying, trample and tilt the playing field!” Natasha looked carefully at it, and saw something else written on it. “This one says you can play a second white card.”  
“Don’t care, I just wanted to get rid of that card,” said Bruce. “I’ve had it since the start, and I’m sick of looking at Trump’s stupid face.”  
“Fair enough,” said Natasha. “I’m awarding this one to crystal meth.”

“Thank you,” said Clint. “And now, let’s wrap this up.” Clint looked at the black card on his screen, and read it out for the group. “You know what's, like, really funny when you think about it? ___.”  
“Isn’t that pretty much the point of the game?” asked Bruce.  
“But now you get to make something horrible funny,” said Tony.  
“I was afraid you’d say that,” sighed Bruce, selecting his card.  
As soon as all the cards were in, Clint started reading them. “So, what are you guys saying is really funny?” he asked, looking at the first card. “Cockblocking baby cries, apparently. As someone who has experienced them, no they’re not.”  
“It’s funny for the rest of us because we can laugh at you for suffering it,” said Tony.  
“Screw you Stark,” said Clint, looking at the next one. “Getting hammered on vanilla extract is funny for one of you. Sounds like a delicious way to get smashed.”  
“I was there the last time you did that,” reminded Natasha. “I’ll never forget the things you did to your bow.”  
“Worth it,” said Clint, looking at the next card. “A Pukana?”  
“Matata?” asked Tony.  
“Whatever,” sighed Clint, moving on. “Ruining a surprise party on purpose. That’s not funny, that’s just being an asshole.”  
“The guy who does it probably thinks it’s funny,” suggested Tony.  
“Probably because they’re an asshole,” said Steve.  
“And finally,” said Clint, looking at the last card. “Some douchebag yelling ‘More Cowbell’ is supposed to be funny.”  
“It’s probably the same guy that ruined the surprise party,” said Bruce. “So, who are you gonna pick?”  
“The vanilla extract, of course,” said Clint. “That sounds like fun.”  
“And now I’m on three points,” said Natasha.  
“Yep, Widow and Thor are on three each,” said Tony. “Me and Barton are on two, and Cap and Banner are on one. The game continues.”


	3. Round 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The game continues, and so do jokes about Tony's micropenis.

“Okay, Round 3 people,” said Tony. “Let’s see what we’ve got first up.” Tony looked at the black card and smiled. “This should be fun. According to Trump, he's strongly into God and religion. But only sort of into ______.”  
“That pussy grab card from the micropenis question would have been perfect here,” said Bruce, getting himself another glare from Tony.  
Once all the cards were in, Tony began reading. “According to Trump, he's strongly into God and religion. But only sort of into an 89-year-old woman with time and gravity-affected breast implants jumping rope. I’d probably knock a decade or six off that.”  
“Nah, I can see him being into that,” said Clint.  
“Pretty sure he told a couple of fourteen year olds that if they were a few years old, he’d be dating them, but whatever,” said Tony. “Anyway, according to Trump, he's strongly into God and religion. But only sort of into anal sex at least twice a week. Okay, apparently Melania Trump isn’t good at anal. Could have gone a long time without knowing that, but whatever.”  
“Maybe she’s the one fucking him in the butt?” suggested Natasha.  
“That is an image NOBODY needed,” said Tony. “Next up: according to Trump, he's strongly into God and religion. But only sort of into mocking soldiers. You hear that Rogers? Our president hates you.”  
“To be fair, I’m not particularly fond of him either,” said Steve.  
“What were Bucky’s activation words again? Maybe we can get him to take care of it,” said Bruce.  
“I second this idea,” said Natasha.  
“Third,” said Clint.  
“You do realise that’s treason, right?” asked Steve.  
“You can’t say you haven’t thought of it,” said Bruce.  
“Did I say I disagreed?” asked Steve, causing everyone to stare at him.  
“I like this rebelliousness Captain,” said Thor with glee.  
“Let this be a lesson to our leader: don’t annoy the man who kicked Nazi ass and survived being frozen for seventy years,” said Tony. “Okay, next up: according to Trump, he's strongly into God and religion. But only sort of into a really, really good spanking.”  
“I guess if he’s not a fan of anal, spanking probably not his thing either,” said Clint.  
“And finally: according to Trump, he's strongly into God and religion. But only sort of into the Second Amendment People. I guess the NRA haven’t paid up lately.”  
“Or he’s only kinda into stopping kids getting shot at school,” said Steve. “Both are equally likely with that asshole.”  
“Honestly though, I think the thing he’s only kind of into out of those suggestions is the 89 year old lady,” said Tony. “I think he’d be looking at her like ‘hmm, you’re old, but I like your tits.’”  
“Wow, I am kicking your asses at this game,” said Natasha, taking the lead.

“Alright, my turn,” said Bruce, reading his card. “Okay, this one’s for the Star Wars fans. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to ______.”  
“You really call the prequels Star Wars films?” asked Tony, looking for an answer for the question.  
“Better than the sequels,” said Bruce. “Seriously, what the fuck was with Snoke’s death?”  
Soon, the cards were in, and Bruce began reading. “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to ethnic cleansing. Well, you’re not wrong,” he said.  
“I literally fought a war because of that,” said Steve.  
“Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to re-enlisting in a whore house,” read Bruce. “I’d have thought that’s the opposite of hating people, but then again, when’s the last time I got to do that?”  
“Really? You and Romanoff haven’t played hide the zucchini yet?” asked Tony.  
“Stark, come on, Hulk would tear Natasha in half,” said Thor.  
“You don’t think I could take Hulk?” asked Natasha.  
“…Oh Christ, that’s an image I didn’t need,” said Clint.  
“Should I read the next card to try and get that image out of your head?” asked Bruce.  
“It won’t be a better image, it’ll just be different,” said Clint.  
Bruce looks at the next card, and just nods. “You’re right,” he said. “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to scatting, and not the singing kind.”  
“Yep, that’s what I was afraid of,” said Clint. “It got rid of the Nat/Hulk image, but not in a good way.”  
“Excellent,” said Bruce. “I see that as an absolute win. Next up, we have fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to whisper-fighting in the kitchen. Oh God, I know all about that.”  
“Your father was a dick?” asked Tony.  
“That obvious, huh?” asked Bruce.  
“I grew up with one. I know how to spot them,” said Tony.  
“I met your dad, and he seemed like a nice guy,” said Steve.  
“That’s because he idolised you,” said Tony. “He knew everything about you, including that your real birthday is April 3rd, not the fourth of July like you claim.”  
“Wow, and here I thought Bucky was the only living person to know that,” said Steve.  
“Well that’s a twist,” said Bruce. “But now, for the final answer: fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to the world's first border roof. A Donald Trump initiative?”  
“And the Kree will pay for it,” said Natasha mockingly.  
“Oh, I’m sure that will go down well,” said Thor. “Okay Banner, who wins?”  
“Hmm…tough choice,” said Bruce. “I think I’ll go with the border roof though, because I definitely see Trump doing that soon, even though the Chitauri got here through a wormhole.”  
“Hell yeah,” said Thor. “Don’t relax yet Romanoff, I’m not letting you get away that easily.”  
“Bring it on, big guy,” said Natasha. “Your turn.”

“Alright then,” said Thor, looking at his card. “Once you go ________ you should probably seek medical attention.”  
“Well, at least it’s not about you sleeping,” said Clint.  
Soon, Thor had his answers, and began reading. “Once you go being forever chased by your shadow you should probably seek medical attention.”  
“So Peter Pan had a medical condition?” asked Bruce.  
“No, his shadow kept running away from him,” said Clint. “Though I’d be concerned about the forever stuck in a twelve year old body thing if I were him.”  
“He seemed to be okay with it,” said Tony. “He just liked messing with Hook the whole time…and getting his hand cut off. Man, what a little shit.”  
“Hardcore. We should bring him to the Avengers,” said Thor.  
“No, see, he’s…” started Tony, before being cut off by Thor continuing the game.  
“Once you go hiking up a hillside covered in bear semen yelling ‘I'm the queen of the forest!’ you should probably seek medical attention,” read Thor.  
“Holy crap,” said Clint. “What the fuck were you doing with Yogi and Boo-Boo?”  
“Well, if Cindy’s not gonna put out…” started Natasha.  
“Please stop that train of thought now,” said Tony. “Goldilocks, please continue before she says anything.”  
“Once you go licking the bathroom floor you should probably seek medical attention,” read Thor.  
“Yes, you definitely should,” said Clint. “Especially if it’s a public one. It’s like people don’t even aim unless they’re at home.”  
“Of course not,” said Tony. “At home they have to clean it. In public, it’s not their problem.”  
“You mortals are fucking disgusting,” said Thor. “Anyway, once you go screaming like a maniac you should probably seek medical attention.”  
“If you’re screaming like a maniac, you’ve probably done something painful enough to get that reaction,” said Steve.  
“Or you’re just a maniac,” said Tony. “Last one, what is it?”  
“Once you go tripping balls you should probably seek medical attention,” said Thor. “Guess it depends what you’re on though.”  
“Enough of anything could get that reaction,” said Bruce. “Alright, which one do you like?”  
“Hmm…” Thor thought out loud. “I think…licking the bathroom floor.”

“Wow, I’m not in last place anymore,” said Steve, getting his second point. “Alright, my turn.” Steve looked at his card and sighed. “Okay, anyone that says autism for this one is automatically disqualified. Despite overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary, some people still believe that vaccines cause _____.”  
“Good to see you’re a pro-vaxxer Captain,” said Bruce.  
“I lived in a time when vaccines weren’t available and those diseases were killing people left and right,” said Steve. “Of course I support them.”  
“Puny mortals with your diseases,” mocked Thor under his breath, picking his answer.  
Once Steve had all the white cards, he began reading. “Despite overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary, some people still believe that vaccines cause babies born addicted to prescription pain meds,” he said. “Okay, why?”  
“Obviously someone didn’t want that baby and tried to overdose it out,” said Tony.  
“Jesus Christ Tony,” said Bruce, shaking his head.  
“Next one,” said Steve, cutting off everyone else before the conversation got worse. “Despite overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary, some people still believe that vaccines cause being blind but having super strength but having Alzheimer's Disease by being invisible. Sounds like Daredevil in his old age.”  
“Drax must have taught him how to turn invisible,” said Tony. “Pretty sure that wasn’t one of his original powers.”  
“Despite overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary, some people still believe that vaccines cause falling asleep on fire watch,” read Steve. “Vaccines don’t make you that drowsy, do they?”  
“You’re also supposed to get them as a kid,” said Natasha. “Although I’ve heard of some people getting them at eighteen to spite their anti-vax parents. Why haven’t you got them if you’re for them?”  
“Because my super-soldier serum pretty much stops me from getting sick. Like, ever,” said Steve. “But good on those kids, their parents are idiots.” Steve then turned back to the cards. “Despite overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary, some people still believe that vaccines cause Morgan Freeman's voice.”  
“NO! Spread that rumour,” said Bruce. “Who wouldn’t want a voice like his?”  
“You’re right,” said Steve. “Anyone who’s hearing this, I was wrong. Vaccines do cause you to have a voice like Morgan Freeman’s.”  
“Who the hell would be listening to this?” asked Natasha. “We’re in a locked room inside one of the most secure facilities on the planet.”  
“I wouldn’t rule out Stark broadcasting this on the internet somehow,” said Steve.  
“Nope. Why would this go on the internet? It’s not that interesting,” said Tony.  
“Oh, okay,” said Steve, turning his attention to the last card. “Despite overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary, some people still believe that vaccines cause stained motel pillows.”  
“To those anti-vaxxers that Steve thinks are watching this,” said Tony. “That comment is false. Those stains come from the autism leaking out of your child’s head.”  
“As a parent, I’d be really concerned if something started leaking out of my child’s head,” said Clint.  
“That would be pretty alarming,” said Steve. “As for my choice…first up, I don’t want to lead people to believe vaccines don’t cause Morgan Freeman’s voice, so that’s out.”  
“That’s fair,” said Clint.  
“As for the others…screw it, the Daredevil one,” said Steve.  
“Wow, finally got a second point,” said Bruce. “Alright Nat, you’re up.”

Natasha read her card and looked at Clint. “You might have an advantage here Barton,” she said, before looking at her card again. “The best reason to get a babysitter.”  
“Because the kids are beings little shits and we need a break from their bullshit?” asked Clint. “Oh, wait, I don’t have that card.”  
“If any of you have a card that says that, please give it to Clint so he can play it,” said Natasha. No-one reacted. “Okay, proceed.” Once all the cards were in, Natasha began reading out the answers. “The ability to embarrass a teen anytime, anywhere is a good reason to get a babysitter.”  
“Well, considering that teenagers think they know how to handle themselves, they probably think having a babysitter’s just plain embarrassing,” said Bruce.  
“Or they think they should be the ones babysitting,” said Tony. “Wasn’t there a book series about that?”  
“I’m pretty sure no-one under the age of about twenty even remembers that series,” said Clint.  
“Indeed,” said Natasha. “Now, who wants to explain why bathing naked in a moonlit grove was a good reason to get a babysitter?”  
“Because you don’t want the kids looking at your dick?” asked Tony.  
“I think someone didn’t have any good cards to play,” said Thor. “It’s not my card by the way. I had something halfway decent.”  
“Was it going to the Bluebird to see indie rock band Nippless Cage?” asked Natasha. Thor stayed silent. “Thought so.”  
“National Treasure 3: The Search for Ben’s Nipples,” said Tony.  
“God damn it Tony,” said Natasha, shaking her head. “Next up, we have a happy woman with a shit-covered cock as a reason to get a babysitter.”  
“…I mean, it’s a reason,” said Steve. “I wouldn’t say it’s the best reason, or even a good reason, but it’s a reason.”  
“And finally,” said Natasha. “The lascivious pleasing of a lute is a good reason to get a babysitter.”  
“I mean, it sounds seductive,” said Tony. “Alright, who’s it gonna be?”  
“Hmm…” pondered Natasha. “Nippless Cage is about the only one that makes sense, so…”  
“YES!” cheered Thor loudly. “In the lead now.”  
“Wow, didn’t expect Thor would do this well,” said Bruce.

“I’ll try not to pick his answer then,” said Clint, as his black card appeared on the screen. “Oh, come the fuck on.”  
“Read it,” said Tony.  
Clint sighed heavily. “I fucking hate you Tony,” he said under his breath, then read the question. “When I breastfeed I'm thinking of ______.” Before he’d even finished the question, the others were already laughing at him. “Shut up Tony, you have a micropenis.”  
“Fuck you Barton,” replied Tony, picking his card.  
Once all the answers were in, Clint began reading them out. “When I breastfeed I'm thinking of extra rations for my little girl,” he said.  
“Guess you’re preparing for a long feeding this time,” said Steve.  
“Shut up, I want to get these over as soon as possible,” said Clint, looking at the next card. “When I breastfeed I'm thinking of Jeff Price.”  
“The coach at Lynn University?” asked Tony. “Well, to each their own I guess.”  
“When I breastfeed I'm thinking of start sucking!” said Clint, ignoring Tony.  
“Maybe the baby’s not hungry?” quipped Bruce.  
“When I breastfeed I'm thinking of useless, yerk-toting, frisbee-chucking cheeba-monkeys,” said Clint, again ignoring anyone who spoke.  
“Hey, I remember that movie,” said Bruce. “PCU, right?”  
“When I breastfeed I'm thinking of wedding reception hook-ups,” said Clint, relieved to be finished reading the answers.  
“Okay Barton, what are you thinking when you breastfeed?” asked Tony. “We need to know what to mock you for.”  
“Honestly, you all suck,” said Clint. “But I’m going with the Cheeba monkeys because…I don’t know, I hated it the least.”  
“Thank you,” said Tony. “So, Thor’s in first, Nat’s in second, I’m in third, and everyone else is last.”


	4. Round 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor's poised to win, but can he finish the game this round? Find out now.

“Alright, potentially last round if Thor plays his cards right,” said Tony. “Let’s see how this goes.” The black card appeared on Tony’s screen, and he read it out for the group. “What will you still enjoy doing together when you celebrate your fiftieth wedding anniversary? And make them good answers so I know what to do with Pepper when we get there.”  
“If you can still stand each other by then, then I doubt you’ll be getting sick of anything anytime soon,” said Clint, picking his card.  
Once all the answers were in, Tony began reading them out. “So apparently cock magic is something that’ll be enjoyed on your fiftieth wedding anniversary,” said Tony.  
“I didn’t know Doctor Strange was playing today,” said Natasha.  
“Feeding Jacob Zuma is also something to be enjoyed on your fiftieth wedding anniversary,” said Tony.  
“I mean, he’s African, so maybe he’s hungry?” suggested Bruce.  
“Jesus Christ Bruce,” said Clint. “Have you seen the man? He’s not fat, but he definitely doesn’t need more food.”  
“Racist Christmas presents?” asked Tony. “Come on guys, unless you’re in the Ku Klux Klan, or Gabriel Iglesias, that’s just mean.”  
“You’re the one who chose this game,” said Bruce.  
“Yeah, I know,” sighed Tony, before continuing onto the next answer. “Shooters or sliders, whichever. Now THAT’S something I can get behind.”  
“I thought you gave up drinking,” said Natasha.  
“Bold of you to assume I’d give up anything,” said Tony. “Last one: Talk like a Pirate Day. Yarr, that be a good one.”  
“Please never talk like that again,” said Thor.  
“You’re right,” said Tony. “Unkempt hair and only one eye, you should be the one talking like that.”  
“Screw you Stark,” said Thor. “Just pick your winner so I can win this game.”  
“Was your answer shooters or sliders?” asked Tony. “Because that wins.”  
“Suck it Thor,” said Bruce, winning his point.  
“Well then, the game continues,” said Tony, earning him a glare from Thor. “Bruce, what have you got for us?”

“What is the White House press secretary trying to explain?” asked Bruce. “Okay guys, I want you to go all out with this, because whatever you say is probably true.”  
“This game really doesn’t like Trump,” said Steve, picking a card.  
“Does anyone though?” asked Tony. “I mean, he IS getting impeached.”  
“Fair enough,” said Steve, waiting for the others to play their cards.  
Once all the cards were in, Bruce began reading them out. “The White House press secretary is trying to explain Abraham Lincoln's ghost,” said Bruce.  
“Lincoln’s back to show his disappointment with the way his party’s acting these days,” said Tony.  
“I don’t blame him,” said Bruce. “Okay, next up the White House press secretary has to explain Bristol Palin.”  
“Ooh, yeah, that would be something they’d have to explain,” said Natasha.  
“Poor kid,” said Clint. “So desperate for power ever since she cost her mother the VP job.”  
“Didn’t they basically try and force the kids into marriage because of it?” asked Bruce.  
“Not according to them,” said Tony. “But that’s totally what happened.”  
“Weird family,” commented Bruce. “Okay, next up the White House press secretary has to explain a prodigiously hearty breakfast of chowders of all sorts.”  
“Chowder, or shao-dair?” asked Tony.  
“Tony, do you really think anyone’s going to get a twenty five year old Simpsons reference?” asked Clint.  
“It’s when all the best Simpsons references are,” said Tony. “And besides, you got it.”  
“…damn it,” said Clint under his breath.  
“Now that you’re done remembering TV,” said Bruce. “Our next thing the press secretary has to answer for is…” Bruce paused for a minute while he read the card, and suddenly his eyes went wide. “Holy crap, do I really have to read that?”  
“The fact that you’re asking that question means you do,” said Tony.  
Bruce sighed. “Okay, strap in guys,” he said before he started reading. “A recruiting video starring Caitlyn Jenner queefing plastic army men from her crudely-assembled vagina.”  
“What the actual fuck?” asked Steve, looking horrified, while Tony couldn’t stop laughing.  
“Well, it’s a woman. Maybe the advertisement will be effective?” suggested Thor.  
“We have very different definitions of woman, Thor,” said Clint.  
“Come on Clint, he is a woman now,” said Natasha.  
“Wait, HE?!” asked Thor in horror. “Is that why’s it’s crudely made?”  
“That would be why,” said Bruce. “Should I read the last one, or should I wait until Tony can breathe?”  
“I’m okay, I’m okay,” assured Tony, getting up off the floor. “Oh man, I’m so glad I made you read that.”  
“Hey, as long as the card doesn’t give me a micropenis, I don’t care what it says,” said Bruce, ignoring Tony when he flipped him off. “And now, the last thing the press secretary has to explain is Vietnamese mercenaries hunting John Kerry.”  
“Forty years isn’t enough time to forgive and forget apparently,” said Natasha. “So, who’s it gonna be Bruce?”  
“Has to go to Caitlyn Jenner, doesn’t it?” asked Bruce. “I mean, picking him/her in the first place is a bad idea, but getting him/her to do that? Definitely needs explaining.”  
“HAHA! Well in the lead now,” said Thor.  
“God damn it,” said Bruce, awarding the god his point. “How is it that the guy who knows the least about this game is kicking all our asses?”  
“He’s a god, that’s all there is to it,” said Clint. “Luckily he can’t win this one, so maybe we can catch up.”

“Alright mortals, here’s your question,” gloated Thor, reading his screen. “When a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter if ______.”  
“Slight problem,” said Steve. “None of my cards will make grammatical sense with that question.”  
“Yeah, I have that same problem,” said Natasha.  
“I have one that makes grammatical sense, but it’s not that funny,” said Tony.  
“Okay, alright,” said Thor. “For the sake of humour, I’ll reword things so that they make sense.”  
“Thanks big guy,” said Tony. “That makes this so much easier.”  
Soon, the answers were in, and Thor was reading them out. “Okay, so, when a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter if he’s Her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth II. She’s not another Caitlyn Jenner type, is she?”  
“Thankfully not,” said Tony. “At least, I REALLY hope not.”  
“I’m sure Philip would have figured it out by now if she was,” said Natasha.  
“It would raise some serious questions as to how Charles, Anne, Andrew, and Edward got here,” said Bruce.  
“While you question whether the queen has a penis, probably bigger than Stark’s,” said Thor (Tony flipped off the thunder god at this, but he ignored it) “…I’m going to see what else you answered me with?” Thor read the next card aloud. “When a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter if he’s an Indian co-worker who wears so much cologne you can taste it.”  
“Trust me, it does,” said Natasha. “Seriously, what the fuck are you trying to cover up with that?”  
“Have you smelled Indian food?” asked Clint. “Not great.”  
“Next up,” said Thor. “When a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter if he’s a man of means by no means.”  
“You don’t mean that,” said Tony, smirking at his own joke.  
Thor glared at him, but continued reading the answers. “When a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter if he’s rapping with a speech impediment.”  
“To be fair, that would be an improvement for any of those mumble rap idiots,” said Tony.  
“Don’t let my kids hear you say that,” said Clint. “They’ll get really fired up about it.”  
“Now for the final answer,” said Thor. “When a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter if he’s a wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tubeman.”  
“Sorry Thor, but you’re meant to read that card as quickly as possible,” said Tony.  
“I assume it’s a reference to something then?” asked Steve.  
“Yeah, it’s in the show Family Guy,” said Clint.  
“Hmm, okay, I better add it to my list of things to catch up on,” said Steve.  
“Yes, you must,” said Tony.  
“DEAR GOD NO!” yelled Natasha.  
“Come on Nat, if one of their jokes contains the word wacky, surely it can’t be that bad,” said Steve. Natasha was about to respond, but Steve cut her off. “Alright Thor, who takes it this time?”  
“Hmm, tough choice,” said Thor. “But I think I’ll give it to the Queen.”  
“Finally, I get another point,” said Clint. “Okay Steve, you’re up.”

“O Canada, we stand on guard for ______,” said Steve. “Oh God, what are we about to say about our northern neighbours?”  
“Whatever it is, they’ll probably apologise to us about it,” said Tony, choosing a card.  
Soon all the cards were in, and Steve took a deep breath. “Okay, let’s hope we don’t accidentally start a war against the only country that seems impossible to piss off,” he said, looking at the first card. “O Canada, we stand on guard for Degrassi High.”  
“Well, they are pretty much the only country not to censor the show,” said Clint.  
“Why? What could possibly need censoring in a show about teenagers?” asked Steve.  
“Think of something that needs censoring,” said Tony. “That.”  
“Uh…huh,” said Steve, realising what Tony was talking about. “O Canada, we stand on guard for earthquake projectors.”  
“To be fair, when’s the last time they had a serious earthquake?” asked Bruce.  
“Let loose big green up there, they might get one,” said Tony.  
“That sounds like a horrible idea,” said Bruce. “I’d wipe the entire moose population off the face of the planet.”  
“Yeah, we don’t want to have to stop a rampaging Hulk in Canada,” said Steve. “I’d like them to continue to like us.” Tony looked like he was about to object to this, but Clint shook his head. Steve saw none of this as he continued reading. “O Canada, we stand on guard for stockings filled with Vaseline®.”  
“They would try and be squeaky clean,” muttered Tony as Steve continued.  
“O Canada, we stand on guard for the Toronto Maple Leafs,” said Steve. “That’s…not inaccurate, I guess.”  
“They’re a hockey team, they don’t need guards,” said Natasha.  
“The guards aren’t for them, they’re for the people,” suggested Thor.  
“And the last one,” said Steve. “O Canada, we stand on guard for a wax statue of John Wayne.”  
“Now that’s more like it,” said Tony. “We have an entire country to protect a statue of one of our most amazing actors.”  
“Maybe the Leafs are the ones protecting it,” said Clint.  
“But as for the winner,” said Steve. “I’m going to go with…screw it, the Maple Leafs.”  
“Thank you,” said Tony, getting his fourth point. “Widow, what do you have for us?”

Natasha read her card, and smirked menacingly. “Who should my victim be?” she asked, looking between the other five. “You know what? We’ve bullied Tony enough, let’s attack Bruce this time.”  
“Oh crap,” said Bruce, looking worried. “Is this going to be Hulk-inducing?”  
“Let’s hope not,” said Clint.  
“______ always helps Bruce prepare for a big exam,” said Natasha.  
“That’s nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be,” said Bruce, relieved.  
“That’s because you haven’t seen what we’re going to play yet,” said Tony, playing his card.  
Bruce sighed. “I know I’m going to hate this, but whatever,” he said, picking a card.  
Once they were all in, Natasha began reading them. “Accidentally slipping yourself a roofie always helps Bruce prepare for a big exam,” said Natasha.  
“Well, at least you’re getting to take a nap first,” said Clint. “What people do to you DURING that nap is a different matter…”  
“I don’t think we need that image,” said Bruce. “Especially what would happen if I woke up partway through.”  
“Next up,” said Natasha. “Five miso soups, four seaweed salads, three soy burger dinners, two tofu dog platters, and one pasta with meatless meatballs always helps Bruce prepare for a big exam.”  
“Oh, come on, I’m not even a vegan,” said Bruce.  
“You’re not going to comment on the fact that that’s a LOT of food?” asked Thor.  
“I guess there’s that too,” said Bruce.  
“Next we have…” started Natasha, before she actually read the card. “Oh, come on, really?”  
“Read it,” said Tony.  
“Or don’t, that’s fine too,” said Bruce.  
“Sorry Bruce,” said Natasha, turning back to the screen. “Fleshlights always helps Bruce prepare for a big exam.”  
“Do I even want to know what that means?” asked Steve.  
“Surely you mean flashlights?” asked Thor.  
“No, that’s definitely an e,” said Natasha. “And shame on whoever played that.”  
“Yeah, where would I even get one that Hulk wouldn’t immediately crush?” asked Bruce.  
“Are you actually asking that, or being rhetorical?” asked Tony.  
“And with that, let’s continue,” said Natasha before Bruce could answer (though she did notice him sigh with relief when she spoke). “A little same-sex experimentation always helps Bruce prepare for a big exam.”  
“Well that didn’t exactly improve things, did it?” asked Bruce.  
“So…top or bottom?” asked Tony.  
“Tony, do you really think Hulk would let something be put in his ass?” asked Thor.  
“I don’t know, maybe he’s into that,” said Tony.  
“Well that’s a disturbing image,” said Clint.  
“Agreed, let’s move past that,” said Natasha. “Last one: super snoozy school assemblies always helps Bruce prepare for a big exam.”  
“Did we just come full circle with the roofie answer?” asked Clint.  
“I think we did,” said Natasha. “Anyway, as much as I hate this answer, I’ve gotta give it to fleshlights.”  
“Two in a row,” said Tony. “Guess you noticed Bruce’s relief at not needing to answer my question as well.”  
“Son of a bitch,” muttered Bruce.

“Alright, my turn,” said Clint. “What’s a favourite pastime of the family you’re marrying into?”  
“Well, we’re about to learn something about either the Potts, Romanoff, Foster, Carter, or Banner family,” said Tony.  
“The question is: will anyone admit to their answer?” asked Bruce.  
“JARVIS, automatically update the score for this round once we have a winner,” said Tony. “Make sure whoever it is feels the shame of whatever they said.”  
“Yes sir,” said JARVIS.  
“Oh Jesus,” said Bruce, as he played his card. “That was a choice.”  
“And definitely tell us Bruce’s card if he doesn’t win,” added Tony.  
“Fuck you Tony,” said Bruce, as the others played their cards.  
Once they were all in, Clint started reading them. “The favourite pastime of one of the families you guys are marrying into is…” Clint stopped as he saw the answer, and his eyes went wide with shock. “Okay, who played that?”  
“I don’t think whoever played it is going to own up willingly,” said Tony. “Except for me, but mine isn’t that bad. Anyway, read it out, and we’ll see who reacts to it.”  
“Oh Christ,” sighed Clint. “Finger banging with the tampon still in is a favourite pastime.”  
No-one reacted. “Hmm, poker face eh?” said Tony. “You know I can have JARVIS tell me what you played. Though I’m personally betting on Bruce.”  
“I assure you, it wasn’t me,” said Bruce.  
“I think thou doth protest too much,” said Tony. “Anyway Clint, continue.”  
“Just read the next one, and it doesn’t get any better,” said Clint. “The next pastime is ISIL's YouTube channel.”  
“You’re right, that’s not an improvement,” said Tony. “And should probably set off some alarm bells.”  
“What shocks me most is, with all the stuff YouTube bans, they let ISIL keep their channel,” said Clint. “Well anyway, next pastime is not believing in giraffes.”  
“That’s…incredibly tame for this round,” said Steve. “Also incredibly stupid, but mostly just tame.”  
“Indeed it is,” said Clint. “Next we have…penile implants.”  
“And we’re back to horrible,” said Steve.  
“Puny mortals, needing to enhance their penis size,” said Thor.  
“And before Thor tries to make the rest of us feel inadequate,” said Clint. “Stabbing yourself to hit on the hot nurse at the field hospital is the final pastime of someone’s family.”  
“Huh, maybe Peggy’s the one playing the game,” said Natasha. “Okay Barton, who wins?”  
“Just to see who we have to shame for it,” said Clint. “Who’s finger banging with the tampon still in?” The group watched as Steve’s score went up by one point. “Shame on you, Captain Rogers.”  
“I hate you Stark,” said Steve.  
“No you don’t,” said Tony. “So, looks like Thor’s still in the lead, I’m second now, Widow’s third, everyone else is last.”  
“If Steve plays more cards like that, he might make a comeback,” said Clint.  
“True, he could,” said Tony. “Now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, what did Bruce play JARVIS?”  
“Penile implants, sir,” said JARVIS.  
“Fuck you Tony,” said Bruce, while Natasha glared at him.


	5. Round 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The game continues, and reveals someone's...disturbing fetish.

“Okay, everyone refilled their hands?” asked Tony. “Great let’s move on to the next question.” Tony watched as the next question appeared on his screen, and read it out. “As everyone knows, after shooting Lincoln, John Wilkes Booth jumped onto the stage and yelled ‘______.’”  
“Hey, can we do what we did with Thor’s last question?” asked Bruce. “None of my cards really make sense when it’s worded like that.”  
“Same here,” said Thor.  
“Yeah, none of mine really work either,” said Clint.  
“Alright, majority rules,” said Tony. “Play something, I’ll change it so that it works better.”  
“Great, that makes my cards...slightly funnier,” said Bruce, picking his answer.  
Once all answers were in, Tony began reading them. “As everyone knows, after shooting Lincoln, John Wilkes Booth jumped onto the stage and yelled ‘I farted at the principal,’” said Tony.  
“If by farted you mean shot, then I guess,” said Steve.  
“As everyone knows, after shooting Lincoln, John Wilkes Booth jumped onto the stage and yelled ‘I’m going back to Whore Island,’” read Tony. “Celebrating a successful assassination, I guess?”  
“So, ah, where would this Whore Island be located?” asked Thor.  
“THOR!” yelled Natasha, glaring at him.  
“Hey, me and Jane are broken up,” said Thor. “Why can’t I have some fun?”  
“Yeah Nat, chill out and let him get some action,” said Tony, earning him a death stare from Natasha. “Now, for our next contestant: As everyone knows, after shooting Lincoln, John Wilkes Booth jumped onto the stage and yelled ‘I’m going on tour as a Guitar Hero® champ.’”  
“Back in my day, people could play actual instruments to make music,” said Steve.  
“Yeah, and they were also fighting Nazis. Things change,” said Clint. “Though I do agree that we need more actual musicians in today’s music.”  
“Your kids listen to too much of that manufactured pop crap?” asked Bruce.  
“You have no idea,” said Clint.  
“As fascinating as that is,” said Tony. “Our next answer: As everyone knows, after shooting Lincoln, John Wilkes Booth jumped onto the stage and yelled ‘pussy hats’.”  
“You’re not gonna try and change that one?” asked Thor.  
“What to?” asked Tony. “Besides, maybe he was calling the people in the theatre that.”  
“Why would he call people cat hats?” asked Steve.  
“How can you have fought actual Nazis and still be so innocent?” asked Tony. “Okay, last answer: As everyone knows, after shooting Lincoln, John Wilkes Booth jumped onto the stage and yelled ‘I’m taxing that ass like the IRS.’”  
“Not until you get back to Whore Island you’re not,” said Bruce. “So Tony, what are you picking?”  
“You just said it, Whore Island,” said Tony. “Seems like the thing to do after killing a political leader.”  
“Don’t let Donald Trump hear you say that,” said Steve. “He might just do that after what he did to Iran.”  
“We get it, the man’s a dickhead,” said Tony. “Now, who played Whore Island?”  
“That would be me,” said Clint. “Okay Bruce, you’re up.”

“Okay, here goes,” said Bruce, as the card appeared on the screen. “I am not allowed to use my computer unless I ______ first. Okay, before we go any further, because I know my cards would be grammatically incorrect for this question, does anyone need me to change the wording of their card to make it work?” Everyone else raised their hands. “Okay, done.”  
“Mine just needs something at the end removed,” said Tony. “Just saying.”  
“I’ll see what that means...” started Bruce, before realising that everyone’s answers were in. “Right now, apparently.” Bruce looked at the first card and started reading. “I am not allowed to use my computer unless I call mom because it's just really hard and I miss her and I don't know anyone here first.”  
“That’s not Tony’s that needs you to remove everything after ‘call mom’, is it?” asked Natasha.  
“Nope, that one’s not mine,” said Tony.  
“Okay, that’s left as is then,” said Bruce. “I am not allowed to use my computer unless I cough into a vagina first. That’s an...interesting fetish.”  
“I just...I can’t understand why anyone would want someone to do that to them,” said Steve.  
“They might not want you to do it,” said Thor. “Me on the other hand...”  
“Don’t wanna hear it,” said Bruce. “Okay, next up we have this: I am not allowed to use my computer unless I bake nut-free, gluten-free, vegan cupcakes at 2 AM first.”  
“That just sounds horrible,” said Tony. “You’ve literally removed all the good shit.”  
“Indeed,” said Bruce. “Next, we have: I am not allowed to use my computer unless I eliminate liberal bias first.” Bruce looked down at the text at the bottom of the card. “It says here this card takes out the card to the left of the player who played it.”  
“That’s why I said to ignore the part at the end,” said Tony. “If you want to. I don’t care if you don’t.”  
“HEY!” yelled Thor. “I’m on your left.”  
“And there’s a problem with that?” asked Tony. Thor glared at him, but did nothing.  
“Don’t worry buddy, I won’t be ignoring any cards,” said Bruce. “If only because I hate that the card has a picture of a certain douchebag on it.”  
“That’s President Douchebag to you,” said Steve.  
“Right, right,” said Bruce. “Anyway, the last one is: I am not allowed to use my computer unless I win the Charter School lottery first.”  
“Wow, your mum is pretty strict,” said Tony. “Okay, who takes it?”  
“Oh God...” said Bruce. “I think I have to go with coughing into a vagina.”  
“YES!” yelled Thor. “Three more until I win.”  
“Is it too late to remove his answer with my card?” asked Tony.  
“Sorry Tony,” said Bruce, giving Thor his seventh point. “It’s looking like he’s gonna take it.”  
“Well, he can’t win the next round,” said Tony. “Time to catch him.”

“Okay mortals, listen up,” said Thor. “______ melts in your mouth, not in your hand.”  
“This is gonna get really disturbing for anyone who doesn’t have a food card,” said Natasha. “Or anyone who has a food card but chooses to play something else.”  
Once the cards were in, Thor started reading. “A baby pigeon melts in your mouth, not in your hand.”  
“As I was saying before...” said Natasha.  
“I’m sure pigeon is edible,” said Tony. “I mean, I wouldn’t know, because I can afford actual food, but still...”  
“Next offering,” said Thor. “Bullfrogs melt in your mouth, not in your hand.”  
“I didn’t think any of us were French,” said Clint.  
“Nat’s Russian, that’s kinda close,” said Bruce.  
“Not really, no,” said Natasha.  
“Alright, next,” said Thor. “Delicious dog food melts in your mouth, not in your hand.”  
“Again, I wouldn’t know the taste of it, but I’m sure some poor sap would love that stuff,” said Tony. “It even says it’s delicious.”  
“Possibly Bucky would know the taste,” said Bruce. “I mean, the Wakandans are calling him the White Wolf.”  
“I’m sure he’s really happy about why you’re calling him that,” said Steve.  
“Just saying,” said Bruce.  
“Next up,” said Thor. “Kibbles 'n Bits™ melts in your mouth, not in your hand.”  
“Isn’t that the same thing as the last answer?” asked Clint.  
“Or is Kibble not delicious?” asked Tony.  
“Alright last up,” said Thor. “My dead son's baseball glove melts in your mouth, not in your hand.”  
“I’m not touching that one,” said Tony. “Especially if Clint was the one to play it.”  
“I might have,” said Clint in a way that hinted he had.  
“Okay, that’s disturbing,” said Bruce. “Thor, who wins?”  
“You all suck,” said Thor. “But the baseball glove sucks least.”  
“Yeah, it was me,” said Clint.  
“Dude, seriously?” asked Steve.  
“Hey, gotta go for the win,” said Clint. “And as of now, I’m tied in second with Tony.”  
“He’s right, well played,” said Tony. “Cap, you’re up.”

“Brought to you by Bud Light®, the Official Beer of ______,” said Steve. “I shudder to think what you’ll make them promote.”  
“Trust me, you should be afraid,” said Natasha, playing her card.  
“Oh, you’re going horrible too?” asked Tony, playing his.  
“Same here,” said Thor as he played his.  
“Yep, this is gonna go as badly as I thought it would,” said Steve, as the last two cards came in. “Alright, let’s see what you’ve got for me.” Steve read the first one, and sighed. “Well, not as bad as I was thinking, but by no means great. Brought to you by Bud Light®, the Official Beer of a chiropractor that flunked out of med school.”  
“Did he flunk out before or after he got sponsored by Bud Light?” asked Bruce.  
“Or is it because of Bud Light?” asked Clint.  
“Next up,” said Steve. “Brought to you by Bud Light®, the Official Beer of the deformed.”  
“Might be how they got deformed in the first place,” said Tony.  
“Jesus Christ Tony,” said Natasha.  
“Prove me wrong,” said Tony.  
“And with that horrible thought, let’s move on,” said Steve. “Brought to you by Bud Light®, the Official Beer of irritable bowel syndrome.”  
“Could be how you got that in the first place,” said Clint.  
“We are really trashing Bud Light today,” said Thor. “Are they that bad?”  
“It’s essentially watered down horse piss,” said Tony.  
“And you know the taste of watered down horse piss because...?” inquired Thor.  
“Steve, next card,” said Tony quickly.  
“As fascinating as that story might be,” said Steve. “I’m guessing I might have at least one more horrible answer to get through, and I want to get past it as quickly as possible.” Steve looked at the answer, and read it out. “Brought to you by Bud Light®, the Official Beer of a lifetime of internalized guilt.”  
“Possibly by the inventor for creating it in the first place,” said Tony.  
“Shut up, or we’ll make you tell the horse piss story,” said Natasha.  
“I’m shutting up,” said Tony.  
“Okay, last one,” said Steve. “Brought to you by Bud Light®, the Official Beer of sex dolls that look ashamed. Jesus Christ, why did I have to read that sentence?”  
“Tony, what did you do to those sex dolls?” asked Clint.  
“Hey, I can’t talk, remember?” said Tony.  
“And remember, he’s rich and successful,” said Thor. “They probably sunk so low that they slept with Banner.”  
“Well, at least I’m getting some,” said Bruce, putting his hands behind his head. “So Steve, who wins?”  
“Hold on, I just need to get the image of you having sex out of my mind,” said Steve, pausing for a minute or so. “Okay, done. Sex dolls, you win.”  
“Tied for second again,” said Natasha, taking her point. “Guess we still have another round after this then.”  
“No matter how many rounds we play, I’ll win in the end,” said Thor. “I’m just letting you think you have a chance.”

“Keep thinking it, blondie,” said Natasha. “In the meantime, your next question is: I can't believe my teacher gave me ______ to do over school vacation.”  
“Yeah, it is pretty cruel giving kids homework on vacation,” said Clint. “It’s not like adults have to work on vacation, but you’re making kids do it?”  
“Didn’t they prove homework was pointless to begin with?” asked Tony. “Pretty sure there was a study that proved that.”  
“Wow, I’d have thought a nerd like you would have been all for homework,” said Bruce.  
“Who are you calling nerd, nerd?” asked Tony.  
“Guys, focus,” said Natasha. “You’ve got a question to answer.”  
“We already answered, Nat,” said Tony, pointing out that they’d already answered while they were talking.  
“Congratulations, you guys are probably the first men who can multi-task,” said Natasha, looking at the first answer. “I can't believe my teacher gave me crowdfunded genocide to do over school vacation.”  
“You’re teacher isn’t Hitler by any chance, is he?” asked Steve. “That guy was an asshole.”  
“I gathered as much from history books,” said Tony. “Hearing it from a guy who probably punched him in the face only confirms it.”  
“He had it coming,” said Natasha, looking at the next card. “I can't believe my teacher gave me destroying the evidence to do over school vacation.”  
“But if the evidence is destroyed, how will the teacher know it’s done?” asked Thor.  
“By the evidence no longer existing, obviously,” said Tony.  
“At least it sounds like a fun assignment,” said Natasha. “Now, next answer: I can't believe my teacher gave me faking a pregnancy to do over school vacation.”  
“I thought that was an impossibility with you,” said Steve.  
“Quiet, you,” said Natasha. “Next: I can't believe my teacher gave me German dungeon porn to do over school vacation. Jesus Christ, that just...no.”  
“Best. Teacher. Ever,” said Tony.  
“And now I think I know what the horse piss story was about,” said Natasha. “And now, let’s get that horrifying image out of our heads with the last answer: I can't believe my teacher gave me side straddle hops to do over school vacation.”  
“Well, fitness is important,” said Steve.  
“Yeah, but what kind of gym teacher assigns homework?” asked Clint.  
“An evil one, that’s who,” said Bruce.  
“Evil?” asked Thor. “Shall we take up arms and...”  
“No, not that evil,” said Tony. “Well, maybe they are, but they’re not an Avengers level threat.”  
“Aww, you’re no fun,” said Thor, pouting. “Well Romanoff, what’s your answer?”  
“I hate that I’m saying this,” said Natasha. “But German dungeon porn was pretty funny.”  
“FUCK YES!” yelled Thor.  
“Now I really hate that I’m saying it,” said Natasha, giving him the point. “Alright Barton, what have you got for us?”

Clint read his card, and smirked menacingly. “Okay, since he’s getting a bit cocky,” he said, before reading his card out loud. “Thor has been spending all his money at the local fetish bar that specializes in ______.”  
The others all started laughing, as Thor glared at Clint across the table. “Fuck you, you wannabe Legolas,” said Thor, before checking his cards.  
“Okay Bruce, Steve, Nat, make sure to play your most humiliating card,” said Tony.  
“Way ahead of you, Tony,” said Bruce. “As long as you’re bringing your A-Game too.”  
“You know it buddy,” said Tony, picking his card. “We just need to take him down a notch or two.”  
“Sounds like this is going to be a fun round,” said Clint, seeing that all the answers were in. “Okay, first up: Thor has been spending all his money at the local fetish bar that specializes in farting during a rim job.”  
“Off to a fantastic start,” said Tony. “So Point Break, are you the farter or the farted on?”  
“I’ll fart on you if you don’t shut up,” said Thor.  
“Thor has been spending all his money at the local fetish bar that specializes in finding pubes in your toothpaste,” said Clint.  
“Just...why? Why would anyone be into that?” asked Natasha.  
“I can Google it if you want,” said Tony, pulling out his phone.  
“Please don’t,” said Natasha.  
“I’ll save you Nat,” said Clint, reading the next answer. “Thor has been spending all his money at the local fetish bar that specializes in girls who shouldn't go wild.”  
“That’s...much worse,” said Natasha.  
“Tony, phone down, we don’t need that image,” said Steve.  
“I just want to see the type of girls Thor’s into,” said Tony.  
“No, you don’t,” said Clint. “In fact, why don’t you Google this one: Thor has been spending all his money at the local fetish bar that specializes in Rosie O'Donnell's dick.”  
Tony threw his phone on the ground. “Great, now that’s burned into my brain,” he said, disgusted.  
“It’s burned into all our brains Tony,” said Bruce.  
“And lastly,” said Clint. “Thor has been spending all his money at the local fetish bar that specializes in waiting till marriage.”  
“Great, so you’re not getting any until the time until you don’t get any,” said Tony. “It’s essentially torture.”  
“But now, the big question,” said Bruce. “Which answer do you...”  
“The Rosie O’Donnell one, obviously,” said Clint.  
“Nice,” said Bruce, collecting his point. “So Thor still leads, Tony, Clint, and Nat are tied for second, then it’s me, then Steve in last.”  
“That’s okay with me,” said Steve, turning to face Thor. “You okay big guy?”  
“Urge to kill, rising,” said Thor through gritted teeth.


	6. Round 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another round begins. Which character is making a late charge for victory? And what card is so horrifying that Steve refuses to read it? Find out now.

“Okay guys, let’s try and avoid picking Thor’s cards,” said Tony.  
“Good luck with that,” said Thor, smirking.  
“Here’s your question,” said Tony. “Why I don't snoop in their room anymore.”  
“Whose room?” asked Clint.  
“I don’t know, it just says ‘their’,” said Tony. “But for argument’s sake, let’s say...Steve.”  
“Screw you Tony,” said Steve from across the table, looking for an answer.  
Once all the answers were in, Tony began reading the first answer, and burst out laughing. “Well, we’re off to a fantastic start,” he said. “Apparently I found 2 Girls 1 Cup in Steve’s room.”  
“Jesus Christ,” said Clint, shaking his head.  
“What? Doesn’t that just mean two girls are sharing a drink together?” asked Steve.  
“Ooh boy, you’re not wrong,” said Tony. “Who wants to explain that one to him? Better yet, show him.”  
“NO!” yelled Natasha. “Steve, give me your ear. I have something to explain to you.”  
“I’m not gonna like this, am I?” asked Steve, as Natasha leaned in and start explaining what the card was talking about.  
“While that’s happening,” said Tony. “I also found aquaphilia in Steve’s room.”  
“WHAT?!” yelled Steve.  
“Just reading the card,” said Tony. “Unless you actually have aquaphilia in your room.”  
“Um...no,” said Steve, in a tone that implied he might. “I was reacting to Nat explaining that other card to me.”  
“I know, right?” said Tony, smirking. “The offer’s still open if you want to see it.”  
“Dear God no,” said Steve. “I would like to be able to still eat chocolate ice-cream.”  
“Oh, is it something to do with that, is it?” asked Thor.  
“It’s probably better not to know,” said Bruce.  
“And on that note, it’s time for our next card,” said Tony. “I found auto-erotic asphyxiation in Steve’s room too.”  
“Steve is into some weird shit,” said Natasha.  
“I try not to judge,” said Tony. “Especially since I also found a seaman filled with semen in his room.”  
“So, in theory, the last card should be something extremely tame and be Steve’s card because he doesn’t want to look too bad,” said Bruce.  
“You’d think that,” said Tony. “But it’s actually the Supreme Court Jazz Choir. I wonder what he was doing with them in there.”  
“Wait, what?” asked Bruce. “Then which one was Steve’s?”  
“JARVIS, tell us which card was Steve’s,” said Tony. “In the meantime, 2 Girls 1 Cup is the winner. Now, which card was Steve’s?”  
“Sir, I suggest you look at who won first,” said JARVIS.  
“What do you...” started Tony, then saw Steve sheepishly raising his hand. “No fucking way.”  
“I didn’t know what it was,” said Steve defensively. “And frankly, I don’t think I wanted to know.”  
“Everything shitty about today just disappeared,” said Tony, giving Steve his point. “Banner, you’re up.”

“Okay, here goes,” said Bruce. “Our great African-American President hasn't exactly had a positive impact on (the) _________ who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore. Hey, I thought people liked Obama.”  
“Better than Trump at least,” said Natasha, looking for a card to play.  
Once the cards were in, Bruce started reading. “Our great African-American President hasn't exactly had a positive impact on a human weapon system who is so happily and openly destroying Baltimore,” said Bruce.  
“It’s a weapon. That’s what it’s supposed to do,” said Thor.  
“Our great African-American President hasn't exactly had a positive impact on mall Santas who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore,” said Bruce.  
“They’re not the ones from Futurama are they?” asked Clint.  
“Nah, they’d be destroying everything indiscriminately, not just Baltimore,” said Bruce, looking at the next card. “Our great African-American President hasn't exactly had a positive impact on the middle class who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore.”  
“Funny, I thought they were the type of people who voted for him,” said Tony.  
“Why are you trying to apply logic to this game?” asked Natasha.  
“Well, they’re destroying Baltimore, so clearly that’s not positive,” said Bruce, before looking at the next card. “Our great African-American President hasn't exactly had a positive impact on a Taliban insurgent wildly firing an AK-47 from the hip who is so happily and openly destroying Baltimore.”  
“Yeah, that would be pretty bad,” said Tony. “Someone should do something about that. Maybe a group of people with superhuman abilities and/or technology to subdue him? I mean, there is only one of him.”  
“We get it Tony,” said Clint. “Bruce, what’s left?”  
“Last one,” said Bruce. “Our great African-American President hasn't exactly had a positive impact on whomsoever let the dogs out who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore.”  
“Get some rolled up newspapers, because we have some bad dogs to whack on the nose,” said Clint. “So Bruce, who wins?”  
“Gotta go with the Taliban one,” said Bruce. “Just the card, not the Taliban themselves.”  
“I think that put me in second,” said Clint. “Anyone want to see me pull a come from behind victory?”  
“No,” said Thor. “Please don’t answer my question, I don’t want you getting any closer.”  
“You hear that Clint? Sounds like the so called ‘strongest Avengers’ is scared of Katniss,” said Tony, earning him a glare from Thor and a smirk from Clint. “Read your question big guy.”

“Your question,” said Thor, looking at the screen. “This just in: Bill Clinton allegedly had an affair with _________. I don’t know who that is, but he sounds like a dick.”  
“He kinda was,” said Natasha. “And I have the perfect card for this.”  
“Great, I’ll pick that one,” said Thor as she picked her answer. “Which one is it?”  
“Eh, it’ll be more fun to see you try and figure out which one is Clint’s,” said Natasha.  
“God I love you,” said Bruce.  
Once all the answers were in, Thor started reading. “This just in: Bill Clinton allegedly had an affair with Gandalf.”  
“Why do I get the feeling Ian McKellen would be into that?” asked Clint.  
“Because he probably is,” said Tony. “Okay, next one.”  
“This just in: Bill Clinton allegedly had an affair with a gay prince with a sopping wet vagina,” said Thor.  
“Well, as long as it has a vagina, I doubt he’d be too fussy,” said Tony.  
“This just in: Bill Clinton allegedly had an affair with Heidi Klum's former 10 body,” said Thor, ignoring Tony.  
“That wouldn’t even make the news it’s that expected,” said Bruce.  
“This just in: Bill Clinton allegedly had an affair with poorly educated voters,” said Thor.  
“So, his entire fanbase?” asked Natasha.  
“And finally, this just in: Bill Clinton allegedly had an affair with Rick Perry,” said Thor.  
“Don’t say that, Trump might fire him,” said Tony. “Who am I kidding, he probably already has. So, who are you going with?”  
“I know nothing about this Clinton man,” said Thor. “But I feel like he’d be into a gay prince with a sopping vagina.”  
“I agree, he would,” said Tony. “Unfortunately, it wasn’t my card. Who had it?”  
“That would be me,” said Steve. “Can’t say I’m especially pleased to not be losing, but I guess I’ll have to deal with that.”  
“Well, tough,” said Natasha. “So, you’ve got a question for us?”

“I do,” said Steve. “Yes, it is I, the world's most dangerous supervillain: Baron Von ______!”  
“Oh boy, a superhero question,” said Clint. “Because that would be out of place with this group of people.”  
Once the cards were in, Steve began reading them. “Yes, it is I, the world's most dangerous supervillain: Baron Von Cargo Pants!”  
“The most evil piece of clothing on the planet,” said Bruce. “As evidenced by the author of this fic wearing some as he’s writing this.”  
“HEY! No fourth wall breaks,” said Natasha. “Deadpool isn’t a part of this universe yet.”  
“Yes, it is I, the world's most dangerous supervillain: Baron Von...” started Steve, before staring in horror at the next answer. “NO! I am NOT reading that.”  
“Do it,” said Tony. “You have to.”  
“No. I refuse,” said Steve.  
“Fine,” said Tony. “God boy, read it for him.”  
Thor pushed Steve out of the way and looked at the answer in question. “Date rape,” said Thor. “Someone answered with date rape.”  
“And that someone is probably going to get castrated with a rusty spoon,” said Natasha. “Come forward now and I might knock you out first.” A whimper was heard, but Natasha couldn’t pick where it came from. “I’ll find you, one day.”  
“Thanks for hiding me,” whispered Bruce to Tony when Natasha wasn’t looking.  
“Safety in numbers, buddy,” whispered Tony back to him.  
“Okay, after that horrible answer, let’s move on, shall we?” asked Steve. “Yes, it is I, the world's most dangerous supervillain: Baron Von Decorative Balls!”  
“Who the hell wants baubles instead of testicles?” asked Clint.  
“Whoever played the date rape card,” said Natasha. “Last chance boys.” No-one came forward. “Your funeral, whoever you are.”  
“Okay, next up,” said Steve. “Yes, it is I, the world's most dangerous supervillain: Baron Von Guacamole!”  
“Must be a millennial,” said Tony. “They love the avocado stuff.”  
“With the economy the way it is, I wouldn’t be surprised if a few of them turned to villainy,” said Bruce.  
“And finally,” said Steve. “Yes, it is I, the world's most dangerous supervillain: Baron Von Stranger Danger!”  
“Don’t worry, he’s only dangerous to kids,” said Tony. “And I’m pretty sure Clint is ready to put an arrow through him.”  
“And not one of my regular arrows either,” said Clint. “Pretty sure I’ve still got a few incendiary ones around here somewhere. But anyway, Steve, who takes it?”  
“Hmm...” thought Steve. “Well I’m pretty sure if I say date rape Nat’s going to put me through the same thing as whoever played it.”  
“You could pick it,” said Natasha. “It’ll help me find who it is.”  
“For the sake of protecting their identity,” said Steve. “I’ll go with stranger danger.”  
“I’m coming for you Thor,” said Clint, getting another point. “I’m closing in.”  
“Bring it,” said Thor. “Natasha, read your question. I have a mortal to crush.”

Natasha looked at the card on her screen, and immediately started laughing. “This card could not have come at a better time,” said Natasha. “Seriously Thor, I think you might have subtly influenced the machine.”  
“Just read it already,” said Thor.  
“Okay, here goes,” said Natasha. “Heed my voice, mortals! I am the god of ______ , and I will not tolerate ______! You need to pick two cards for this one.”  
“She’s right, you influenced the machine buddy,” said Tony, picking his answers. “I had no idea you could hack, much less a secure high-tech computer system, but there you go.”  
“You doubt my greatness?” asked Thor, choosing his answers.  
Soon, all cards were in, and Natasha started reading them. “Heed my voice, mortals! I am the god of baking brownies, and I will not tolerate chowder!” read Natasha.  
“Well, I think we all know which food is superior anyway,” said Steve.  
“Does anyone think the god of chowder hates brownies?” asked Bruce. “Thor, you don’t happen to know do you?”  
“I haven’t met them myself, but I hear they’re very dedicated to their chosen foods,” said Thor.  
“Wait, they’re REAL?!” asked Bruce. “I was kidding.”  
“Hey, have you seen how many gods there are in Greek and Egyptian mythology? I wouldn’t be surprised if there were gods for those sorts of things,” said Natasha. “Speaking of which: Heed my voice, mortals! I am the god of dancing ballroom before ballroom was cool, and I will not tolerate the Truffle Shuffle!”  
“Watch out Chunk, you’re about to be smited,” said Tony.  
“Heed my voice, mortals! I am the god of getting really high, and I will not tolerate dolphins eating potato chips!” said Natasha.  
“Yeah, the people need those snacks after they get wasted,” said Clint. “I like this god, he’s thinking of his disciples.”  
“You imply that I don’t?” said Thor, looking over at Clint. Clint just smiled nervously.  
“Heed my voice, mortals! I am the god of opposable thumbs, and I will not tolerate cockblocking!” continued Natasha.  
“Yeah, let people get laid,” said Tony.  
“Is that what that means?” asked Steve.  
“Jesus Christ Steve, how many years have you been out of the ice?” asked Tony.  
“Sorry if curse language isn’t on my list of things to catch up to,” said Steve.  
“Well then,” said Natasha. “The last entry is: Heed my voice, mortals! I am the god of sperm whales, and I will not tolerate Donald Trump's latest fucking thing!”  
“Great, now he’s pissing off Namor,” said Tony. “Because we needed the city of Atlantis to go to war with us too.”  
“Look, once he’s impeached, we can stop talking about him,” said Clint. “At least until Mike Pence inevitably clears his name and puts him back in power.”  
“And now that we’ve had our once a round discussion of how much of an asshole the president is,” said Natasha. “Who had the truffle shuffle ballroom dance combo? You win.”  
“Caught you,” said Clint.  
“Shut. Up,” said Thor. “You winning is just prolonging the game.”  
“Gotta admit, did not see Clint charging home like this,” said Bruce. “Okay, what have you got for us?”

“I don't know what's worse, ABUs or ______,” said Clint. “I’m going to assume that’s Airman Battle Uniform.”  
“Based on the pack it’s from, that is a reasonable assumption,” said Tony.  
Once the answers were in, Clint started reading. “I don't know what's worse, ABUs or being paralysed from the neck down,” he read.  
“And we’re off to a fantastic start,” said Bruce. “Surely it can only go up from there.”  
“It better not. It’s better when it doesn’t,” said Tony.  
“I don't know what's worse, ABUs or blind watchdogs,” said Clint.  
“Probably the blind watchdogs,” said Thor. “Since they’re, you know, blind, and therefore...”  
“We get it Thor,” said Steve.  
“I don't know what's worse, ABUs or Navy SEALs making millions by doing random shit and selling it as a ‘SEAL Workout’,” said Clint.  
“Well that’s an easy fix,” said Natasha. “Do your own random shit and sell it as ‘Air Force Workout’.”  
“I’ll pass that on to Rhodey,” said Tony.  
“I don't know what's worse, ABUs or a septic tank swimming pool,” said Clint.  
“Why are we letting our air force swim in a septic tank?” asked Steve.  
“Don’t worry, it was cleaned out first,” said Tony. “I got them to use Rhodey’s toothbrush.”  
“I’m telling,” said Natasha.  
“And now for the last one,” said Clint. “I don't know what's worse, ABUs or an unfulfilling handjob.”  
“Those are always horrible,” said Tony. “Imagine thinking that you’re...”  
“Stop talking, for the love of God,” said Steve. “Okay Barton, who gets it?”  
“God damn it, all of these are horrible in a hilarious way,” said Clint. “But I think I’ll go with the one that air force personnel are the most likely to say.”  
“Paralysed from the neck down?” asked Thor hopefully.  
“No, the Navy SEAL one,” said Clint. “Who had that?”  
“That would be me,” said Tony. “So by my count, Thor and Barton hold the lead on eight each, then it’s me on six, Rogers and Romanoff on five, and Banner in last on four. Honestly didn’t think Cap would get out of last place, but Doctor Green here proved me wrong.”  
“Shut up Tony,” said Bruce, preparing for the next round.


	7. Round 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the seventh round of the game.
> 
> ...what else do you expect me to say?

“Okay, back to me,” said Tony. “Let’s see if one of our leaders can take the win before we come back to me.”  
“Of course I will,” boasted Thor.  
“Bring it on,” said Clint.  
“Okay, here goes,” said Tony. “I can hardly recognize my country anymore; everywhere you look, ______.”  
“Oh, this should be good,” said Steve, picking his card.  
Once all the answers were in, Tony started reading. “I can hardly recognize my country anymore; everywhere you look, the Daily Mail.”  
“What’s worse is they’re only reporting Brexit,” said Natasha.  
“Ooh boy, first we attack the president every other hand, now we’re bringing THAT into this?” asked Bruce.  
“Moving on before we start more of a political shitstorm,” said Tony. “I can hardly recognize my country anymore; everywhere you look, flip charts, so many damn flip charts.”  
“Maybe you’ve just been in too many board meetings,” said Steve.  
“That’s why I let Pepper deal with that stuff,” said Tony. “Anyway, I can hardly recognize my country anymore; everywhere you look, imaginary amigos.”  
“Great, now the president has to deal with fake Mexicans getting past the wall,” said Bruce.  
“They’re probably the ones he claims are criminals,” said Natasha. “Statistically speaking, whites commit more crimes than Hispanics.”  
“Statistically speaking, I’m pretty sure the president commits more crimes than Hispanics,” said Tony. “Anyway, next answer: I can hardly recognize my country anymore; everywhere you look, Jack Parow. I have no idea who the fuck that is.”  
“He’s like, a rapper or something,” said Clint. “I don’t know, the kids mentioned him once or twice. I just assume he’s something like that.”  
“That was probably one of you getting rid of a crap card,” said Tony. “Alright last one: I can hardly recognize my country anymore; everywhere you look, tango shoes.”  
“What’s so un-American about dancing?” asked Thor.  
“The fact that tango is Argentinian,” said Steve. “Honestly, who wants anything to do with them?”  
“Wow Rogers, unexpected hate for Argentina,” said Tony. “Though I suppose if they’re hiding Nazis like people say, understandable. Anyway, who had imaginary amigos?”  
“That would be me,” said Steve.  
“Congratulations, you’re level with me,” said Tony. “Okay Banner, what have you got for us?”

“It’s not delivery. It’s ______,” said Bruce.  
Tony looked at his cards, and almost immediately started laughing. “I have a card to play here, but it’s such a stupid answer,” he said.  
“Is it funny?” asked Bruce.  
“Kinda,” said Tony.  
“Play it then,” said Bruce. “Maybe then you won’t lose to Cap.”  
“I heard that,” said Steve.  
Soon, all the cards, were in, and Bruce began reading them. “It’s not delivery. It’s Hot Sister Thursdays at the Lackland BX,” said Bruce. “So guys, who’s up for a road trip?” Tony, Thor, and Clint raised their hands.  
“You guys are pigs,” said Natasha.  
“Okay, before Natasha punches us,” said Bruce. “It’s not delivery. It’s package delivery.” Bruce looked up at Tony. “Is that what you were talking about?”  
“Maybe,” said Tony in a tone that suggested it was.  
“I see what you mean now,” said Bruce. “Okay, next up: It’s not delivery. It’s projectile fart.”  
“If you point it at someone it could count as a delivery,” said Thor.  
“That’s just...disgusting,” said Clint.  
“Next answer,” said Bruce. “It’s not delivery. It’s receiving the eucharist in hand.”  
“It depends if the priest brings it to you or not,” said Steve.  
“Aren’t you supposed to come up and get it yourself?” asked Natasha.  
“Apparently being a World War II hero means he doesn’t need to get his own communion,” said Tony.  
“Hey, who got the tesseract away from the Nazis?” asked Steve. “That’s right, me.”  
“And we all pretend to be grateful to it,” said Tony, getting a glare from Steve. “Okay Banner, what’s the last one?”  
“It’s not delivery. It’s some dick,” said Bruce.  
“False, that can be delivered,” said Tony. “Right into the...”  
“You will stop talking right now,” said Natasha. “Okay Bruce, who wins?”  
“I know it’s stupid,” said Bruce. “But I have to go with Tony’s package delivery.”  
“I need no apologies, I don’t mind,” said Tony, receiving his point. “Okay, let’s see what the Asgardian of the Galaxy has for us.”

“My one’s nice and short,” said Thor. “Jesus is ______.”  
“Now remember, he’s a god, so he probably knows Jesus and can verify how accurate our answers are,” said Tony.  
“Stark, he’s A god, not THE god,” said Steve, picking his card.  
Once Thor had all the responses, he began reading them. “Jesus is breaking diplomatic ties with California,” read Thor.  
“That’s understandable,” said Clint. “It’s kind of an unholy place these days anyway.”  
“Jesus is the good idea fairy,” said Thor.  
“I guess that’s not wrong,” said Steve. “I mean, the bible does give some good advice on how to live.”  
“That’s not what...” started Natasha.  
“Let’s just let him have that one,” said Tony. “We’ve broken his innocence enough today.”  
“Jesus is praising the sun,” said Thor.  
“I feel like Jesus shouldn’t be praising the sun god Ra,” said Bruce.  
“Jesus is a special snowflake,” said Thor.  
“Wow, here I was thinking that right-wing assholes who try to hide behind the bible like the ‘good Christians’ they are would actually LIKE Jesus,” said Tony.  
“Aren’t you a right wing supporter?” asked Clint.  
“I don’t pretend to be a good Christian,” said Tony.  
“Last answer,” said Thor. “Jesus is trying to explain the Trinity.”  
“These days people probably just assume he’s talking about The Matrix,” said Bruce. “So Thor, who takes it?”  
“Hmm...” said Thor. “I do like the idea of him breaking ties with California, so I’ll go with that. Knowing him, he probably wants to.”  
“HA! Told you he knew him,” said Tony. “Okay, who had that one?”  
“That would be me,” said Bruce. “Steve, you’re up.”

Steve looks at his prompt card, and sighs. “Great, it’s something Tony probably would expect me to say anyway,” he said.  
“Not necessarily,” said Tony.  
Steve sighed again and read it. “Give me liberty or give me ______!” he said.  
“You’re right, I would expect you to say that, Mr. Patriot,” said Tony.  
“I thought that was Rhodey’s name. At least temporarily,” said Bruce.  
Once all the answers were in, Steve began reading them. “Give me liberty or give me a bong rip so massive it restores justice to the kingdom!” he said. “I’m not sure how to feel about this.”  
“Hey, it restored justice didn’t it?” asked Natasha.  
“Yeah, but it’s illegal,” said Steve.  
“Depends on your state,” said Tony.  
“You better not be talking about state of mind,” said Steve, which Tony replied to with a grin, leaving Steve to wonder what he meant by it. “Okay, next answer: Give me liberty or give me donuts.”  
“That’s a win-win situation right there,” said Thor. “Though I have a feeling they’ll give you the donuts since they’re cheaper.”  
“Probably shouldn’t be compromising my beliefs for them then,” said Steve. “Anyway, next answer: Give me liberty or give me freedom, mother fu...Yeah, I’m not reading that.”  
“Yes you are,” said Tony.  
“You can’t make me,” said Steve.  
“I kinda can,” said Tony. “JARVIS, take some audio clips of Captain Rogers and edit them together so it sounds like he’s reading the card.”  
“Yes sir,” said JARVIS, as a machine whirring started up. A few seconds later, it stopped, and a poorly edited version of Steve started talking.  
“Give me liberty or give me freedom, mother fucker! Do you speak it?!?” said the computerised Steve voice, much to the amusement of the other Avengers.  
“I hate you,” said Steve to a smirking Tony. “Well, since I’m doomed to read these cards no matter what, let’s continue: Give me liberty or give me hormonal changes.”  
“Why Steve, I didn’t know you were going through menopause,” said Natasha.  
“I REALLY hate you guys right now,” sighed Steve. “Okay, last one: Give me liberty or give me portion-controlling.”  
“Or you could just eat like a king,” said Thor. “Hey, wait, I already do.”  
“Not when I’m through with you,” said Clint.  
“I’m sorry, which of us can lift Mjolnir?” asked Thor.  
“By the time we’re done with this game, no-one,” said Tony. “Alright Cap, who takes it?”  
“Because it’s the one that made me hate you the least, donuts wins,” said Steve. “Who had that?”  
“You know what I was saying about being a king?” asked Clint, a smug look on his face.  
“Shut. The fuck. Up,” said Thor between gritted teeth.  
“Look at it this way,” said Bruce. “If you get the next two in a row, you win. He only has one chance before we go around again.”  
“You’re right,” said Thor, suddenly more interested. “Romanoff, what’s your question? I need to crush a hawk.”  
“Bring it,” said Clint.

“Okay, here goes,” said Natasha. “Ancient Chinese proverb says: ______ is just ______ without ______. You get to draw an extra two cards each, and then you play three.”  
“Oh God, it’s hard enough picking one horrible card sometimes,” said Steve. “Now you expect us to find three?”  
“What’s wrong? You don’t think you’ll have anything good?” asked Tony.  
“Honestly? I hope not,” said Steve.  
Once all the cards were in, Natasha began reading them. “Ancient Chinese proverb says: a demonstration of who really wears the pants in this family is just the world's worst human being without sharts,” she read.  
“Well, I always knew the Chinese had some interesting sayings, but that’s just...wow,” said Tony.  
“And I’ve still got four to go,” said Natasha. “Like this one. Ancient Chinese proverb says: overpowering your father is just making superhero movies for a living without being forced to dissect your beloved pet.”  
“To be fair, how many of us had to, in some way, overcome what our father did to us?” asked Tony, raising his hand. As he did so, Bruce, Thor, and Natasha also raised their hands. “Exactly.”  
“Okay, how many of you ended up dissecting your pets?” asked Steve. No-one raised their hands. “Exactly.”  
“Alright, next one,” said Natasha. “Ancient Chinese proverb says: a SEAL platoon twerking to trap music is just getting peed on without Scarlett Johansson. God, I hate her.”  
“Really? What’s wrong with her?” asked Bruce.  
“Really Bruce? Have you not seen Lucy or Ghost in the Shell?” asked Natasha. “And don’t even get me started on Home Alone 3 and The Jungle Book.”  
“I don’t know, she’s in some superhero movie in a couple of months that looks pretty cool,” said Tony.  
“Meh, she’ll probably suck in that too,” said Natasha. “Okay, next one: Ancient Chinese proverb says: Squadron culture is just believing your recruiter when he told you SEALs would offer you a chance to switch your rate in boot camp without army regulations. Well, at least they’re all kind of related.”  
“So was the superhero one until the dissecting the pet part,” said Clint. “Seriously, what’s up with that?”  
“Maybe someone’s brother could have tricked you into doing it?” suggested Thor.  
“Only yours would be that evil,” said Tony.  
“...fair point,” said Thor.  
“Alright, last one,” said Natasha. “Ancient Chinese proverb says: Yogurt that turned furry in the fridge is just using revenge porn to teach your dog not to piss on the carpet without Selena Gomez. Okay, seriously guys? She’s like, sixteen isn’t she?”  
“Actually, I think she’s one of those Disney stars that everyone just assumes is still a teenager,” said Clint.  
“I’m just gonna assume you played that then,” said Natasha.  
“What? No, I didn’t...” started Clint.  
“So, let’s see: Selena’s out, ScorJo’s out...” began Natasha.  
“That’s the one I actually played,” muttered Clint.  
“You know what? The superhero one wins because it’s almost true,” said Natasha.  
“I’M BACK!” roared Thor, collecting his point.  
“Ooh, that’s unfortunate,” said Tony. “Two players poised to win, and one’s about to have their turn as Card Czar. Pick your winner carefully Clint.”

“Alright, pressure’s on Thor,” said Clint. “Let’s see how you go with this question: I'm glad one of us remembered. That could've been ______.”  
“Oh God, this is one of those ones where most cards are kind of useless,” said Bruce.  
“Yeah, and I’m not sure that I can fix it so that it makes grammatical sense,” said Clint. “Just...do your best, hopefully it’ll all work out.”  
“Yeah, it just won’t be funny,” muttered Tony.  
After a minute or so, all answers were in, and Clint started reading. “I'm glad one of us remembered. That could've been $300 worth of vanilla yogurt.”  
“As if that’s a bad thing,” said Tony.  
“I'm glad one of us remembered. That could've been a baby bath shaped like a uterus,” said Clint.  
“Why? Why would you buy something like that?” asked Steve.  
“To remind it where it came from?” asked Natasha. “I don’t know, I’m not a mother.”  
“I'm glad one of us remembered. That could've been premature ejaculation,” said Clint.  
“No man would be pleased at stopping before reaching...” started Thor.  
“If it’s anything under a minute, yes they would,” said Tony.  
“I'm glad one of us remembered. That could've been a surprise crumbed fish,” said Clint.  
“The best kind of crumbed fish,” said Bruce.  
“And finally,” said Clint. “I'm glad one of us remembered. That could've been a weak grasp on reality.”  
“Who’s been playing with the Aether?” asked Thor. “Okay Barton, just pick my card so we can end this game.”  
“The winner is...hmmm...” considered Clint. “You know what? I like the idea that someone forgot the decimal and nearly charged $300 for yoghurt. That wins.”  
“Thank...wait a minute,” said Thor. “That wasn’t mine.”  
“I’ll take that,” said Bruce. “I guess the game continues.” Thor just glared at him.  
“So, Thor and Clint are a point from victory,” said Tony. “Then it’s me on seven, Bruce and Steve on six, and somehow Widow’s in last despite her early lead.”  
“I’m biding my time,” said Natasha.  
“Might want to stop biding, you’re about to lose,” said Tony.


	8. Round 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final round. Who wins? Find out now.

“Okay lady and gents,” said Tony. “We have a 40% chance of ending the game right here, right now. Let’s go.” The black card appeared on Tony’s screen, and he read it out. “Who will be the next President?”  
“You mean, once Trump gets impeached?” asked Steve.  
“Nah, he got acquitted,” said Clint. “We’ll have to wait for the election to get rid of him.”  
“So close,” muttered Steve, picking out his answer.  
Soon, the cards were in, and Tony began reading them out. “Our first candidate for the next president is...” said Tony. “The combined fat from all of the Kardashian's liposuction procedures. Makes sense, since Kanye said he wanted to run for president.”  
“Are you implying Kanye is made entirely of excess Kardashian fat?” asked Natasha.  
“Are you implying he isn’t?” asked Tony. “Anyway, next candidate is...a moist towelette.”  
“Well, it’s about as fragile as the current president,” said Bruce.  
“Indeed it is,” said Tony. “Okay, next candidate: The Tickle King.”  
“Pretty sure presidents are supposed to be elected, not monarchs,” said Steve.  
“Hey, once he’s president, he can just change things so we run on a monarchy,” said Tony. “Now, next candidate: Women in yoghurt adverts. I definitely support that.”  
“You’re fucking disgusting,” said Natasha, clearly appalled.  
“Yeah Tony, they’re not topless and wrestling in yoghurt,” said Clint. “Though that would definitely help sell more.”  
“Why are all men pigs?” asked Natasha. “Except you Steve, you I still respect.”  
“The game’s obviously not corrupting him enough,” said Tony. “Though I guess we should have figured that out from his refusal to say ‘fuck’ last round.”  
“Shut up, micropenis,” said Steve, getting a glare from Tony.  
“Okay, last candidate,” said Tony, looking at the card. “Xenophobia. So I guess Trumpster Fire is running in this election.”  
“Indeed he is,” said Bruce. “But does he win?”  
“Fuck no,” said Tony. “The women in yoghurt adverts do, just in case they actually do decide to wrestle.”  
“That was mine,” said Steve, before noticing the look Natasha was giving him.  
“I take it back, all men ARE pigs,” said Natasha.  
“I knew we were corrupting him,” said Tony. “Bruce, whatcha got for us?”

“Next on Nine's Wide World of Sports: The World Championship of ______,” read Bruce. “Keep in mind, I know nothing about sports, so anything you answer with could be real and I would never know.”  
“Okay, if anyone has a card that says Quidditch, now’s the time to play it,” said Tony. “The nerd will be happy you informed him of its existence.”  
“Do you really think that exists?” asked Thor.  
“Why not?” asked Tony. “After all, that Mr. Strange guy is a thing.”  
“I thought he was a doctor,” said Natasha.  
“Probably,” said Tony, going back to looking for a card to play.  
Once the answers were in, Bruce started reading them. “Next on Nine's Wide World of Sports: The World Championship of making sweet love to a specimen cup,” read Bruce. “Since when is porn a sport?”  
“And what time is it on?” asked Tony.  
“I’m telling Pepper,” said Natasha.  
“Next on Nine's Wide World of Sports: The World Championship of market manipulation,” said Bruce. “I feel like you as a businessman would be good at that one.”  
“Three time gold medallist,” said Tony.  
“Wait, what?” asked Steve. Tony just grinned in response.  
“Okay, next answer,” said Bruce. “Next on Nine's Wide World of Sports: The World Championship of mechanized infantry.”  
“Again, three time gold medallist,” said Tony.  
“I hate you right now,” said Clint.  
“Why? Because you never went to the Olympics for archery?” asked Tony, smirking. Clint simply flipped him off in response.  
“Next answer,” said Bruce. “Next on Nine's Wide World of Sports: The World Championship of route clearance.”  
“Do you have three gold medals in being a bulldozer?” asked Natasha.  
“I could probably arrange to make it so,” said Tony.  
“Okay, and finally,” said Bruce. “Next on Nine's Wide World of Sports: The World Championship of saying ‘I love you’ with puppy dog eyes.”  
“Boo, too sweet and innocent for this game,” said Tony. “Steve, play a better card.”  
“Wasn’t me,” said Steve.  
“To be honest though,” said Bruce. “Because I like the idea of trying to convince people that you love them, I’m going to say that last one wins.”  
In response, Thor raised Mjolnir above his head and cheered in triumph. “FUCK YES!” he bellowed, a bolt of lightning crashing behind him. “BOW DOWN, MORTAL BITCHES!”  
“God damn it,” muttered Bruce.  
“I don’t think he’s going to,” said Tony.

“Well, that was fun,” said Clint. “We should do this again some ti...” Before he could finish his sentence, a very angry Nick Fury slammed the door open.  
“What the fuck are you guys doing?!” demanded the director. “Ultron’s planning to destroy Sokovia, and you’re just sitting here play games?”  
“Director...” said Natasha.  
“But nothing. Get your shit, and get the fuck out there,” said Fury. The Avengers very quickly started grabbing their stuff, and running out the door. “Dumb motherfuckers,” he muttered, closing the door to the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, guess that ended on a bit of an anti-climax. Sorry. But that’s it for this fic. If you guys want to see more people playing Cards Against Humanity, feel free to vote on the poll on my FFN profile to let me know. Or vote for one of the other fics on the list. Or just ignore it, I don’t care. Speaking of the poll, according to it, my next fics will be The Marauders, so expect that to start either the end of this month or early next month. As for future Cards fics, let me know who should play next (they don’t have to be Marvel characters). I’ll probably do a Justice League one at some point, I’m also considering a Yu-Gi-Oh one, but if you want me to use characters from a different fandom, let me know. Until next time guys...


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